Childrearing

9 Insane Things I Find In My Kids’ Bathroom

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Of all the rooms in our house, the one with the most alarming and bizarre messes is my kids’ bathroom. They can do what they want to their bedrooms, and the play room we try to keep in an acceptable state (i.e. we can walk through it), but their bathroom is shared by all and cleaned by me. That makes it personal. And I want to know how almost seven-year-old human beings manage to commit these kinds of atrocities.

1. Toothpaste On Every Surface…Every Surface.

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Effing toothpaste. I hate toothpaste. That seems like a strange thing to hate unless you’re a parent of small children, in which case, oh my god how much do you hate toothpaste?! I know. Me too.

The sink is bad enough; if toothpaste could be murdered, the sink would be the crime scene. But then you get in there to clean and you find toothpaste on drawer handles, on the toilet, on the ceiling… how does someone that small get toothpaste on the ceiling? Never mind. I’m positive I don’t want to know.

2. Entire Rolls Of Toilet Paper In The Toilet.

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I have, on more than one occasion, found an entire roll of sopping wet toilet paper in the trashcan of my kids bathroom. This is 100% of the time because they dropped it in the toilet. How does that happen? First of all, it should be on the toilet paper dispenser but let’s not start asking for miracles. at the very least, however, they should be sitting on the toilet when the need for said toilet paper arises. There should not be a time when you are actively using toilet paper with your ass removed from the seat. I think it’s time to send those two back to Remedial Wiping.

3. The Mysterious Mirror Smudge.

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Honestly, What is that thing? Within hours of cleaning the bathroom mirror there is always pale, smudgy mess right at kid level. What is it made out of? And why would it ever occur to a person to rub it on a mirror? And why would that person then do that over and over again?

4. Floor Vent Pot Pourri.

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I just took a peek in the bathroom floor vent, which is closed, because I am not an idiot. Currently we have a pink popsicle stick, an owl sticker, half of a pencil, and some sequins. It’s like doing an archeological dig on the land of ancient peoples and wondering what the things you find there mean about their lives. My kids’ bathroom says, “These people loved crafts and hated pencils.”

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