My Kids Finally Started To Talk And It’s A Total Pain In The Ass

woman covering earsFor months now I have done my best to remain calm as I watched my Facebook explode with posts from mom friends about their baby’s first words. I’ve tried to not compare my twins to other kids, even though that little shit Jackson is two months younger than they are and his mother posted no less than five different videos of him saying “milk.” I knew if I was patient, my day would come, and it has. My children have finally started to talk- and it’s actually more frustrating than before they had words.

When I would see my best friend’s little guy ask for his sippy cup, I moaned to her that my life would be so. much. easier if my own kids would just tell me what they wanted instead of crying at me nonstop. But it’s not. If anything, interactions with the boys are more difficult now that they expect me to both know what they want and respond accordingly.

Right now they each have around 30 words- mostly a mix of animal noises and sight words like “ball”, “car”, “door” and “da-da”. For those of you keeping score at home- no, they still are not saying “mommy”. I remain the hired help to be seen and not directly acknowledged.

Parts of it have been fun. When I understand that “cra” means cracker and then surrender the goods they light up with glee. But I wasn’t prepared for their frustration when I can’t figure out what they are trying to tell me.

Before they had words if they wanted something they would cry or try one of their rudimentary baby signs. If I couldn’t figure out what they were asking for, I’d give them a snuggle and they would move on. Now when they want something they still cry, but then they repeat the same unintelligible syllable while looking at me reproachfully. When I can’t figure it out they refuse my offer of a hug and continue to babble at me, becoming more and more frantic until eventually dissolving into a puddle of tears at my feet. The whole experience is like being on the bonus round of Wheel Of Fortune with only one letter on the board to help you solve the puzzle- there’s a lot of stammering, wild guesses and flop sweat.

World’s Worst Mom confession: Before they could talk I would sometimes I pretend I didn’t know what my kids wanted because I am Le Lazy. Like when they would whine and point to the television but I couldn’t handle hearing the theme song to Caillou again. Or when they would flap a book in my face after I had already read it 157 times in a row, and I would act like I didn’t have a clue what they meant by it.

Now, since I want to encourage the whole “use your words” thing, I feel compelled to try and comply with the requests I can understand. Which was going alright until they learned the words “swing” and “up”. Sure, I love fresh air and my biceps could use the exercise, but sometimes I just want to sit down.

I know that in time things will get better. Their vocabulary will continue to expand and they will learn to speak more clearly and in sentences. One day they will turn to me and say something and it will be the content that shocks me, not the act of speaking itself. But for now I think all three of us are enjoying the fact that saying “peeeeeees” (please) will get them just about anything.


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