10 Things People May Try To Convince You Induce Labor That Totally Don’t

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I’ve had two children, yet I’ve never been in labor. I never went in to freaking labor! I went to 42 weeks with both of my kids and had to have them both surgically extracted from my womb. Clearly because of my experiences there exists some bias on my part, but I’m telling you all that advice people give you about how to jumpstart your labor is total bullshit. Save yourself the headache, the money, and the hope and just eat some bon bons and practice patience.

Here’s a list of the several things people told me would induce labor that totally didn’t.

1. Acupressure.

Did you know there’s a point on your inner leg, between your ankle and your mid shin that makes your uterus contract if you press on it? Blah, blah, blah. You know what this got me – two giant bruises on my inner legs and a husband with cramped thumbs.

2. Chiropractic adjustments.

To be fair, the adjustments made me feel better – but they did nothing to jumpstart my labor. Also, the pregnancy chiropractor everyone recommended was staunchly anti-vaccine so I had to listen to a bunch of that BS while she adjusted me, which pretty much destroyed my relaxation.

3. Pineapple.

I love pineapple, which was a plus. I seriously ate probably four of them in my 42nd week. Nada.

4. Begging the universe to allow this child to emerge from your body.

Creative visualization. The Secret. Downright begging the universe to please allow me to not be pregnant anymore. None of it worked.

5. Sex.

There is something distinctly unsexy about basically begging your partner to induce labor through fucking.

6. Brisk walking.

My crazy chiropractor had me lapping downtown Orlando pushing my kid in a stroller, walking as fast as I could, raising my knees out to my sides as high as I could to help the baby drop. Yeah. I should have taken a video. The only thing I succeeded with there was looking like an asshole.

7. Inversions.

Ever seen a pregnant woman do a headstand? I did a freaking headstand, with the help of my husband and doula. Then there were some pelvic thrusts and weird dance moves. Nothing.

8. Crying uncontrollably. 

To be fair, no one ever advised me to do this. But I did – and just fyi – it doesn’t work.

9. Spicy Foods.

Spicy foods are delicious, so definitely have your friends deliver some – but it won’t make you go into labor.

10. Nipple Stimulation.

Nothing quite says “awkward” like a hugely pregnant woman trying to tweak her own nipples enough to make contractions magically appear. At this point you will just hate everything.