The Best Worst Gifts For Your Family From The Treasure Trove That Is Skymall

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Skymall is my favorite thing about flying. Granted, since I am usually flying by myself with my young twins, that bar is astoundingly low. But in-between changing DVDs and feeding children M&Ms, I like to flip through the Skymall and fantasize about giving my family gifts that would undoubtedly get me shunned and turned out into the snow.

I looked through the online version of the catalog to find some great gift ideas for all of you, who might have families who would better appreciate a spatula with an LED light built into the handle. I had to stop at ten, or I would have gone on forever. That is the magic of Skymall.

1. Beer Pouch Hoodie

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The perfect gift for the beer drinker who would just rather stand, thank you. A fun game would be to see if you can get them to forget they’re wearing it and then pick something up off the floor. Or sit down. Or walk quickly.

2. Winky Cross Body Bag

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The perfect gift for the child in your life who is prone to nightmares – a bag that winks, possibly suggestively. This product has not gotten glowing reviews, however. Said one reviewer:  “It was disappointingly small. Therefore, highly impractical.”

Can a bitch get a large, practical eye bag, please?

3. Towel Hub With 4 USB Ports

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This best seller is perfect for that brother-in-law who loves gadgets that do absolutely no good for anyone, anywhere. You’ll get to enjoy hearing him say, “I need to go plug in my paper towels so I can plug in my phone,” which is worth the price right there.

4. Squirrel Tree Climbing Sculpture

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Put this on the tree in front of your house, and you might as well hang up a sign that says, “Welcome to Awesome Town.” No joke. I am behind this 150%.

5. Zipper Pull Watch

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“Watch/flashlight zipper pull keeps you safe and on time! This digital watch attaches to a zipper, backpack or key chain. It even has a bright, built-in flashlight for safety. Just twist to turn it on. Waterproof; includes replaceable batteries.”

Your dad needs this. A waterproof watch, flashlight, and zipper pull?! All in one?! So that it’s safe and practical?! He’ll never have to wonder what time it is in the dark while uselessly zipping up his sweatshirt again.

6. Remote Controlled Tarantula Spider

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Fuck you, Skymall. What’s that? It’s eyes light up? Then I would also like to wish a hearty “fuck you” to all the people you love, as well.

7. Insta-Slim Compression Shirts

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Your husband or boyfriend is going to love this. It’ll be important for you to show him this picture and say, “See? Look what it did for these fat asses!”

8. Bug Vacuum

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New punishment for children: who has to empty the bug vacuum. Buy this for your friends who are parents.

9. Plush Ball Hopper – Adult – Horse

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Do you know a grown-up who would love this gift? Then you probably want to call the police because they have a basement that needs searching.

10. Curious Cub Bottle Holder

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The perfect gift for the in-laws that you hate. Imagine the joy it will bring you every time you visit their home and see this adorable little polar bear giving head to a bottle of wine on their kitchen counter.

God, do I love Skymall.