Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Don’t Post About Baby-Making On Social Media

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Valentine’s Day, one of the foremost “baby-making holidays,” is just a hump day (and a few days) away. This means we can all look forward to, er, brace ourselves for the Annual Schmoopy Love Notes Fest that many of our coupled-off friends participate in each year on Facebook. You guys know what I’m talking about. In fact, you probably even know *who* I’m talking about as it pertains to your own friends, since it’s usually the same couples that drone on about how in love with their “hubby” or “beautiful wife” they are, ending every status update with an emphatic “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby!!” It’s more nauseating than what’s printed inside actual Hallmark cards. I’ve seen some couples write stuff that would make Hallmark groan (and this is a company that’s currently selling a Valentine’s Day card that says “When the world gets crazy / You are my bright spot / Thank you for being my happy place.”).

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Ugh. Reading a convo like that between two ~lovers~ is enough to make me gag on my Russell Stover Assorted Chocolates. And what’s worse is that, because some couples do this every year, they’ve become convinced that their friends are super-invested in their relationship, to the point of relaying information that no one needs to know to keep their friends—who are presumably on the edge of their seats—well-informed. These “informative” updates might result in live-planning a wedding, for instance, or announcing intentions to conceive a baby. For couples who are passionate about (ahem) meaningfully sharing their lives with their online friends, no update is too personal, no milestone too sappy or “too TMI” to withhold from Facebook. On Valentine’s Day, especially, couples take the opportunity to profess, or re-profess, their love for each other, as well as re-live fond memories. Some even offer up sincere pieces of advice.

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Ahh, Brittanie. I appreciate your raw honesty. With any luck, most of us won’t have to read about our friends’ sex lives on Facebook on Valentine’s Day, but should we be forced to, could I ask one teeny tiny favor? Could it not be that you and your spouse/partner are trying for a baby? Or worse, trying for a baby, in like, a few hours, later that evening after checking in at a Fairfield Inn Marriott Suites? Would it be possible for that information to just not get shared and updated as though it were a live-stream of a national crisis on CNN? I want to get minute-to-minute updates if there’s a hurricane heading my direction, not when a couple is trying for “Baby Making, Season 3, Take 2!” I don’t want to know the ins and outs or the in-betweens of when a couple is trying to conceive, unless that couple is one that I know so well, we’re communicating in person. But even then…okay? I’m still confused about why a couple would want their whole roster of friends to know this ‘funny little anecdote’ that ultimately ends in hopeful ejaculation? No offense to my social media pals, but the last thing I want to do is picture a friend from fifth grade fucking her random husband. So why paint that picture for dozens, if not hundreds or thousands, of people?

This Valentine’s Day, if you and your partner love each other, say so! To each other, offline, preferably not next to me at a coffee shop. And if you’re planning on having sex, then by all means, have fun, with or without the intention of conceiving a human baby. But please don’t post about it on Facebook. Your friends will love you for it. In preparation for Hallmark’s second-highest grossing holiday of the year, here are some examples of how NOT to fill in your friends on exactly when you’re trying to get pregnant. (Seriously, there’s not even a card for that.)

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