STFU Parents: Paternity Tests And Dramatic DNA Disclosures On Facebook

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There’s nothing I crave less from social media than feeling like I’m all up in some couple’s relationship. I’m not talking about viewing average posts that document a couple or family’s everyday life; I’m talking about routinely learning intimate details that might make sense for someone to privately share with close friends, but not with the internet at large. I recently wrote about one example of this when I advised against posting about “baby-making” on Facebook, and as far as common indiscretions go, that’s still probably the most cringe-inducing. Keep your love-making and your raw-dogging to yourselves, people! That said, sex is something that most of us actively engage in and can relate to on some level. And a lot of people have had sex with the goal of making a baby, so for some folks out there, a status update about baby-making is entirely welcome, if a little TMI. What’s less relatable, however, are updates pertaining to what can happen after the baby-making commences if sweet little Aiiydhen turns out looking nothing like his daddy.


Would you rather see obnoxious schmoopy updates about the carefully planned conception of a baby, OR be privy to a months-long drama-filled soap opera that ends with the results of a paternity test, not unlike an episode of ‘Maury’? Neither type of update should be shared with the world on Facebook, but I think today’s column confirms that impassioned updates about a baby’s questionable paternity are far more entertaining than updates about “trying for baby #4 with the love of my life!” Sure, the constant need for DNA tests is depressing. Any need for a DNA test is kind of a bummer, whether birth control methods failed or were even used. In some cases, a baby’s paternity is questioned even more by friends and family than by the parents themselves. Assumptions get made, fingers get pointed. That’s why it’s so neat-o that we have a handy dandy scientific test that puts all those questions and suspicions to rest! And unlike saccharine status updates about trying for a baby, which can go on for as long as it takes a couple to conceive, paternity drama WILL effectively come to an end, just like an episode of reality TV. The drama may drag out over several status updates, but you’re building up to a satisfying, conclusive ending.


That’s a booth I saw at a street fair in Brooklyn, situated between a bounce house and a face-painting station. Apparently, DNA testing has become a lot like the “Guess Your Weight” game at carnivals. Step right up and learn all about how YOU can finally determine the identity of your baby’s daddy! And then, of course, post the results on Facebook so everyone knows what’s what. Let’s check out some examples of paternity-related updates that probably shouldn’t be plastered on the internet, but have been anyway, because people have no shame whatsoever. Maury! Maury! Maury! (Seriously, though — condoms usually work wonders. Maybe the couples in today’s column should try them!)

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