STFU Parents: 5 Things Parents Should Not Discuss Online About Their Son’s Junk

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One topic that manages to dominate my inbox despite my many wishes and prayers that it would just go away forever is “baby manhood.” I frequently receive submissions about baby boy “packages,” and each time I do I have to wonder, “Why is this subject being discussed on Facebook?!” I think we can all agree that it would be inappropriate for, say, a wife to joke about her husband’s “size” (in or out of cold water!) or a grown man to discuss his “self-serving habits” online, and I feel the same logic should be applied to discussing baby genitalia. But unfortunately, that’s simply not the case.

There are always things new happening “down there,” and because the subject is relatively controversial, yet distinctly funny, parents get a kick out of shocking their friends with updates about their son’s “little mister.” (I’m starting to run out of euphemisms here.) So this week, let’s take a look at some of these types of updates in order to determine what’s TMI (too much information), and what’s WTMI (wayyy too much information) when it comes to matters of the loins.

1. Ultrasounds

Whether it’s easy or hard not-so-easy to see a baby’s sex in an ultrasound, most nurses will provide a helpful guide with identifying markers so that parents know exactly what they’re looking at. But there’s a difference between posting that ultrasound as is and posting it alongside a comment about the baby’s “HUGE F’ING PECKER.” Parents, note the distinction.

2. Private Parts Terminology

>Weenie? PP? Turtle? TACO? I think I’m with April on this one. Also, I don’t need to know how your son refers to his penis unless I’m babysitting him.

3. Baby Balls

Please don’t tell me about your son’s balls. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to get to know them, and I certainly don’t want to hear a description of what they look like covered in poop. I could also do without the Lil Jon joke, despite Melanie’s good-natured humor, considering it’s referring to sweat dripping down a grown man’s balls as he watches “skanks get low.” C’mon, people. Don’t take it there.

4. Medical Info

There’s nothing embarrassing about medical procedures regardless of the type of surgery one is having, but I think it’s safe to say that Nate probably wouldn’t appreciate his mom spreading the word about his “messed up wee-wee” on the internet. Not to mention, if I’m not a doctor or relative, there’s really no reason I should know the size of your child’s pee hole.

5. Baby Boners

Parents, we get it. Your sons like to play with themselves. They get boners. It’s a common part of developmental discovery for boys, but I didn’t join Facebook in 2005 because I thought it might lead to…this. Perhaps you should reserve the “morning baby wood” stories for the playground, because it’s just about the last thing I want to read about when I sit down at my desk in the morning and start the day. Funny? Yes. Awkward? YOU BET.