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I Am Too Scared To Have A Third Child And Too Scared Not To

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three kidsI like to think that I am not alone in this fear and the constant back-and-forth of whether or not to have a third child. The decision to have our first child was an easy one- we got married at a young age for a reason- we both wanted to have a baby and be young parents. The decision to have a second was also a no-brainer. We wanted our kids close in age and we wanted me to stay at home until our youngest was at least a toddler so we had to get moving if I was ever going to get back into the work force. Now, we face the decision to have a third and it is paralyzing. If I am being honest, I think I am too scared to have a third child.

Some of you might remember my post from a few months ago about the BRCA test I had done to determine if I had the gene mutation that would increase the chances of my developing breast or ovarian cancer at some point. Before I got the results, my husband and I had already decided that if the test were positive, we would not have another child and I would undergo all necessary surgeries, including a hysterectomy. I had made peace with it and was so certain my test would be positive that in the back of my mind, I thought that if it were negative, I would take it as a sign from the universe that we should have one more baby.

As it turns out, that teeny chance happened and my test was negative. I was completely overjoyed and my husband and I decided we would try for another baby this year. I am a big believer in the idea that everything is meant to be and I truly thought this was a sign that we should definitely have another baby.

As summer has gone on, my doubt has begun to creep in. Our kids are five and nearly seven. I know a big age range is not a huge deal but what of the fact that we have not had to wake up for a baby in years? The idea of going back to that actually frightens me. When I discuss this with friends, I get responses like “Well, you’ve lived through it twice before! You will be fine!” Yes, exactly. I have lived through it twice before and that means I know precisely how much it sucks to hear what my husband and I call “the first crack of thunder”. You know, that teeny cry-noise that means all hell is about to break loose and you will not be sleeping for at least another few hours. Were we ready for that again?

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