Childrearing

Lingering Questions Parents Have About Clifford The Big Red Dog

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3. Of course, that brings us to poop.

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Oh, sorry, I forgot the question mark on that because there’s no doubt about it: that dog can POOP. Personally, I think Norman Bridwell could’ve written an entire book devoted to Clifford’s poop, but his publisher probably would’ve frowned upon that so now it’s up to me to ask the tough questions. Where does it go? How much warning, on average, does the town get before it hits? Is there some sort of emergency alert system in place to let people know it’s time to evacuate, and doesn’t it get costly shutting the town down once or twice a day and four times on Thanksgiving?

4. Does the town have a problem with hunters?

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I mean, other exotic beasts are hunted to near extinction. Surely Clifford would pique their interest. I imagine there are bullets and stray arrows flying constantly. Emily Elizabeth probably needs a full security detail every time she leaves the house, and that’s provided Clifford is left at home in his military-grade, bullet-proof dog house with locked iron gate and surrounding moat filled with crocodiles. I can’t imagine what hell awaits when he leaves the house, unless all the hunters have been evacuated with the rest of the town in anticipation of Clifford’s poo-nado.

That brings me to my final question:

5. How does Emily Elizabeth finance Clifford’s continued existence?

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We live in the age of the internet and I’m sure some bleeding hearts would be more than willing to set up a Go Fund Me for Clifford and his hostages family if he existed today, but you’d also have to shield them from the hunters, curious scientists, Fox News calling him Satan and imploring their viewers to attack, and congress drafting bills to execute him via firing squad and add Clifford Meat to school lunches to spite Michelle Obama.

The resources and amount of protection Emily Elizabeth and her family would need could only be financed by a TLC reality show, which of course would result in the dissolution of their family and Clifford would be left to his own devices, brutally murdered by Sarah Palin, and put on display at a gun show. Emily Elizabeth would blow her fortune on plastic surgery after an appearance on Dancing With The Stars and eventually write a tell-all memoir called Love Overgrown: The Clifford Story with a forward by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Face it, you guys. There’s no happy ending here.

(Photo: Getty)

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