Pope Says No To Birth Control And Breeding ‘Like Rabbits,’ So Good Luck With That

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popePope Francis is a pope that I hate to love. As a pro-choice feminist, that’s an unusual way for me to feel. I attribute it to the standard created by previous popes — after all, if you’re starving to death, someone can hand you a dead rat and you’ll say, “You know what, this isn’t that bad if you season it with a little dirt.” But now Frankie boy has made a statement about birth control and “breeding” that pisses me off, and I am thisclose to flushing my dead rat down the toilet. (I have quite a way with analogies, huh?)

An article on Yahoo News that was written “Aboard The Papal Plane,” quotes Pope Francis as saying today that, “Catholics should not feel they have to breed ‘like rabbits’ because of the Church’s ban on contraception.” First of all, that is a serious burn on the Duggars. Second, that’s pretty messed up. If you’re not going to allow people to use birth control, then how exactly are they supposed to make sure that they don’t have a whole bunch of kids?

The leader of the 1.2-billion-strong Roman Catholic Church restated its ban on artificial birth control, adding there were “many ways that are allowed” to practise natural family planning.


The Church approves only natural methods of birth control, principally abstinence from sex during a woman’s fertile period.

“Many ways,” Francis? You mean, like, the two? From what I know about natural birth control, the options are: a) no sex, or b) sex during carefully calculated times. I’ll let you take care of telling all the Catholic men about that. As for me, I’m going to go buy 1.2 billion copies of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and research the cost of shipping to Spain.

Honestly, it sucks for him to shame people for having lots of kids while at the same time telling them they’ll go to hell for trying to prevent it. I don’t know what you’re expecting from all those Catholics, Frank, but methinks it is perhaps unreasonable.

But then, Pope Francis goes from unreasonable to “I respectfully ask you to go fuck yourself. Amen.”

He mentioned a woman he recently met who already had seven children by caesarean sections and put her life at risk by becoming pregnant again. He said he chided her for “tempting God” and added: “That was an irresponsibility.”

I need someone to hold my purse. Francis, you get someone to hold your enormous hat, because it’s about to go down.

You told a woman who isn’t using birth control because she’s trying to follow your church’s teachings that she is being irresponsible for risking her life with an eighth c-section? I’m going to make a couple of assumptions here, so bear with me. First of all, I’m assuming she’s not getting herself pregnant. Second, I’m assuming she is not psyched about her situation. Third, I’m assuming that she doesn’t necessarily have all the facts about when her “fertile period” is. The least you could do is talk to her about the different kinds of cervical mucus and what they mean for fertility. Come on, Frank! Get in there and spread the word about egg-white cervical mucus. If you’re going to make these kinds of demands of your people, then you should be ready to educate them.

So, I’m sorry, Francis, but I think we need to break up. It was new and interesting to love a pope, but I’m afraid we’re just too different. It’s not me, it’s you.

(Photo: Neneo / Shutterstock)