Weird News

Prissy Parents Pouting Over Penis Shaped Gummy Candy

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gummy peenPenises and candy are two things that generally make me pretty happy, put them together and the day is even more awesome. But some uptight parents in New Zealand who found penis shaped candy in their kids’ gummy bears disagree with me.

Customers of several stores are angry that some slong-shaped sweets were mixed into bags of assorted gummy candy which were then seen and consumed by their delicate offspring. In addition to the cherry flavored dicks, gummy candies shaped like anatomically correct bears also caused parents to break out the smelling salts.

According to Willem Van de Geest, of the Stoke Candy Company, in his twenty-five years of importing gummy candy from around the world, this is the first time an incident like this has happened. Mr. Van de Geest claims since the complaints started coming in, the company has recalled and dumped thousands of bags of gummy candy.

My inner five-year-old weeps at the thought of all that delicious sugar going to waste and my adult self is disgusted that a company would discard perfectly good product because some stray penis shaped ones are in the mix.

Who studies their candy this intently before eating it? When I get access to a bag of sugary goodness, the closest I get towards inspecting the candy is to insure I am tossing a good blend of colors into my gullet because there’s nothing worse than getting to the bottom of a bag of gummy bears and realizing you only have the gross clear ones left that are supposed to taste like pineapple, but really taste like nothing.

Of all the things I would be upset about finding in my food, lime flavored gummy peen isn’t one of them. To kids, candy is candy and if the parents hadn’t had a fit over it, I doubt they would have noticed anything unusual. And even if the kids had caught on that one of these gummy bears was not like the other, I think parents here are missing an opportunity. Whether it’s candy shaped like body parts or anatomically correct baby dolls, it seems like parents are always in the media complaining about kids being exposed to the natural human form.These candies were made in Asia, where genitalia is a symbol of fertility, so this could be a great chance to talk to their children about cultural differences around the world. Instead of clutching their pearls, filing a complaint and running their mouths to the local news, why not use this as a chance to discuss the human body with your children in a way that isn’t shameful?

If there is any truth to the saying “You are what you eat” then in the future these parents should stick to Sour Patch Kids.

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