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10 Things I Know For Sure That Are Total BS When It Comes To Raising Kids

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1Screen Shot 2013-07-22 at 8.58.47 AM__1374498001_74.134.205.46Because I have four children I have been around this baby raising block a bit. I may not have all of the answers, but I do know at least ten things that are utterly one gazillion percent totally, completely, utter bullshit when it comes to raising kids. You are going to hear a lot of obnoxious nonsense when you have babies. Some of these things will be said to your by your own parents, or relatives, or by well-meaning strangers who have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Some of these things are more “dangerous” than others, but I can pretty much state that the following are all annoying, no matter how much harm they can do to you or the tiny people you are raising to become fully grown humans. I’m sure you guys can come up with more to add to this list, but here are ten just to get us started.

If Your Kids Don’t Eat Three Meals A Day, They’ll Starve 

Unless your pediatrician is concerned about your child’s weight. They are fine. if you have access to food and clean water, your kids are fine. Some little kids eat a lot, some do not. Some are picky eaters, some are not. Some days your kid will eat half a string cheese and a yogurt and that is all, some days they will eat every damn thing in your house and start eyeing the family pet. What your kid eats and how often they eat is between you and their doctor.

Picking Up A Crying Baby Too Often Will Spoil Them

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(Image: MitarArt/shutterstock)

Um yeah, because the world is full of people who were just loved too much.

The Terrible Twos

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It isn’t always two. Your kid may be perfect at age two and become a holy terror at age four. I think my own son who is turning 17 tomorrow may be having the “terrible twos” now.

If The Parents Argue In Front Of The Kids, It Will Scar Them For Life  

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(Photo: AMC)

Let the kids see you bicker and argue and quarrel, as long as you aren’t throwing plates or screaming obscenities or saying extremely hateful things or being physical with each other. More importantly, let them see you make up. Kids need to understand that the adults who love them don’t always agree on everything, but they also need to see the adults who love them can disagree in a respectful manner. Seeing parents fight on occasion won’t scar a child for life.

If Your Son Plays With Dolls, He’ll Grow Up To Have The Gay 

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If Your Daughter Doesn’t Wear A Dress, She’ll Grow Up To Have The Gay 

If Your Kid Walks Or Talks Early, They’re A Genius 

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(Image: emin kuliyev/shutterstock)

 This doesn’t mean your kid is guaranteed a place at Harvard, all it means is that they walked or talked early. Spending time with your children, showing affection to your children, and reading to your children is all more important than enrolling them in MENSA in kindergarten.
Boys Who Are Hyper Have ADHD 
If you have a boy who has a hard time sitting still, chances are a teacher or another parent or someone will very politely ask if they have been tested for ADHD. Once again, this is between you and a medical professional to determine. Teachers are more aware of the signs of ADHD, so if a teacher suggests you may have reason for concern they can be very helpful in determining if you should raise this concern with your child’s pediatrician, but here’s the deal, boys can be hyper, and boys can grow out of it. It doesn’t always mean they have attention deficits.
If Your Daughter Dresses “Sexy” She Is Promiscuous 
Some girls dress sexy because they like to dress sexy. Some girls dress sexy because they are exploring their femininity, or because they like how they look, or because it’s hot out, or because they want to look like their peers, what they see on MTV, what they see in magazines, or because they just feel like it. What a girl wears is not a key indication of what her sexual activities are.
If You Aren’t Consistent As A Parent, You Are Pretty Much Ruining Your Kids 
Are you a “Helicopter” parent one day and a “Free Range ” parent the next? Did you vow to let your baby cry it out and two nights later you are in the nursery rocking them to sleep? Guess what? So is everyone else, and so did our parents, and so did their parents, and we all pretty much turned out okay. As long as you aren’t physically or emotionally abusing your kids, as long as you aren’t neglecting them, as long as they have food and water and are warm and kept away from loaded firearms and oncoming traffic and poison, you are probably doing a pretty good job of parenting. Just because one day you are using one parenting style and the next day a totally different one, all it means is that you are exposing your kids to many different facets and ideals of growing up in this great big world. You are human, and you are making mistakes, and you are getting through another day with a shitload of hugs and kisses and tears and laughter. It doesn’t matter how you do it.