The 10 Worst Things About Moving With Kids
Moving sucks. There’s something about moving with your loved ones that is a little like getting into the car for a long trip with them: as soon as your ass is in the seat you start pushing each other’s buttons, almost as though you are hell-bent on making the entire process about a billion times more miserable than it was ever designed to be.
And then there’s moving with kids. Pretty much as soon as I borthed my own child, we started on a constant string of hell moves, all inexplicably occurring during the hottest months of the year. First it was Savannah to Atlanta. Then Atlanta to Savannah. Back to Atlanta. Then, Austin. After that, one, two, three different apartments in Austin, before moving into our house. This undeniably takes a toll on my husband and I, as we try to make the transition as seamless as possible for our kid.
Just as we were getting comfortable and the wounds that were opened from the last move were beginning to heal, we turned to each other when discussing this next huge move and asked one another, hands lovingly intertwined, longingly gazing at one another, why the fuck not? Why NOT move? Why NOT threaten divorce five times in a day? I was just starting to like you, so why let it get too boring? Anyone can have a house, but what makes it a home is the echoing refrain of “I hate you so much get out of my face I SAID GET OUT OF MY FACE okay I’m sorry I love you but you have to get out of my face now.”
1. Everyone still has stuff to do.
Whether it is day care, camp, work, or just all of the other day-to-day crap that keeps the bills paid and everyone sane, it has to be done. Get ready to pack at three a.m., because that’s the only time you’ll have time to do it. I recommend waiting until the last week to foster maximum resentment.
I have packed the box that holds most of my daughter’s stuff about 15 times now because I am a moron and bought a clear plastic bin, which means she can see the one marker she can’t possibly live without. I WILL BUY YOU MORE MARKERS IF YOU STOP UNPACKING THAT BOX.
3. OH MY GOD where did we stash the lovey?
This is really for younger kids, but once you start moving along at a healthy clip you will mistakenly pack something that is absolutely, a billion percent necessary. For us this was Mr. Waddles, a stuffed duck. Cue the panic and unpacking and tears.
4. Drowning in papers so many papers where did all of this paper come from?
Medical records. Dental records. Bills. Utilities that need five forms in triplicate in order to be shut off. All with marker scribbles and crayon all over them.
5. Secret stashes.
You will move the bed or the couch and find your child’s secret stash of [why the fuck is this here???] stuff. Today we found eight hot tamale candies, six rubber bands, some ancient cookies of indeterminate origins, and a few beetle carcasses, all grouped in a pile under the bed. I still haven’t touched them, but it was way better than when she was a baby and I found all of the formula bottles behind the couch where I must have dropped them in a sleep-deprived stupor.
6. At some point, you’re unplugging the T.V.
Do I need to elaborate on this? This was the only thing keeping my child sane. Now SHE’s the one who needs you out of her face, especially since her books have been packed and her library card has been cancelled.
7. At some point, you’re unplugging the refrigerator.
Who wants Ramen? No one? Too fucking bad.
8. I’M SO TIRED LEAVE ME ALONE.
OH GOD PLEASE.
9. New town, new school.
The only thing my child likes about her new school so far is that when we looked at it on Google maps it was painted blue. Also, more paperwork.
10. Leaving everyone you’ve ever known.
No more “playdates” with my posse of bitchin’ moms who don’t care if I day drink. I have to start all over. Okay, this one is more about me but I earned myself some whiney time.