50 Stupid Things To Feel Mom Guilt About

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There is no guilt like mom guilt. Trust me, I went to Catholic school for eight years. But mom guilt is a whole other animal. This morning alone, here are 50 stupid things I’ve felt guilty about:

1. Oversleeping.

2. Working too much and not having enough time to give the baby 100-percent undivided attention.

3. Not working enough and not providing the baby with a successful enough female role model and mentor.

4. Not having enough money to give the baby as much as some other babies get.

5. Complaining about not having enough money when the infant will probably have everything she will ever need and then some and will be more privileged than 99 percent of the babies in the world right now.

6. Eating ice cream for breakfast.

7. Eating spaghetti for lunch.

8. Having body hang-ups when there’s an infant girl in my house for whom I am supposed to be setting a good example of confidence and body positivity.

9. Thinking too much about weight, bodies, and beauty in general.

10. Living in Germany for two years and not speaking any German.

11. Picking a baby name my mother-in-law doesn’t like.

12. Feeding the baby jarred baby food for lunch.

13. The environmental impact of all those stupid little glass baby food jars.

14. The fact that my baby smells like fish. (She had salmon for lunch.)

15. Not having washed the baby often enough.

16. Saying, “Eff it, she’s just going to get fishy again at dinner,” and wiping the baby with baby wipes instead of giving her a bath after lunch.

17. Having had a relatively easy time losing the baby weight.

18. Having written the sentence immediately above this one.

19. Not knowing how to read “Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus” in Mandarin like my husband does.

20. Failing to make it to the park today.

21. The baby ate a big piece of Goodnight Moon.

22. Spending $4 on a coffee.

23. The insane amount of laundry in the baby’s laundry basket.

24. The insane amount of laundry in general.

25. Playing laundry chicken with my husband instead of just doing the laundry like a grown-up.

26. Having laughed really hard at a “mom joke.”

27. “I hate Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.”

28. See what I mean?

29. Not having college savings.

30. Not having retirement savings.

31. Every single shoe, belt, designer nail polish, and $15 cocktail I spent money on in my 20s.

32. The baby eating a piece of cardboard.

33. Not being zen and chill and totally unperturbed when the baby bites the shit out of me.

34. Saying “shit” in front of the baby.

35. Waiting too long to change that diaper.

36. Using the functional Johnson & Johnson diaper cream that actually does something instead of the expensive organic diaper cream that smells really nice but doesn’t do squat.

37. Getting bored of “Peek-a-Boo.” Seriously, how is this fun for her?

38. Letting the baby run around in her pajamas all day instead of putting her in clothes.

39. Feeling smug because the twins in the other apartment are crying and mine is not.

40. Not being fast enough to stop the baby from licking the wheel of her stroller.

41. Not wanting a dog.

42. Wanting a nanny.

43. Signing up for daycare.

44. Disposable diapers.

45. The ecological ramifications of bringing another plastic-using, meat-eating human being into the world.

46. The social ramifications of not bringing enough people into the world to cancel out the Duggars.

47. Ordering delivery again.

48. Having watched Hannibal while pregnant and possibly turned my infant into a sociopath.

49. Having basically blown off my mom on Mother’s Day for the past 30 years.

50. Feeling too much mom guilt.