I Eat All My Kid’s Snacks I Pretend To Buy For Him

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shutterstock_5526199__1382119763_142.196.156.251So I’m four months postpartum now. I’m starting to feel like myself again; I have energy, I’m totally used to breastfeeding and I’m back in the gym. But even though you’re supposed to burn a crap-ton of calories when you breastfeed and I’m now adding a lot of cardio to that – I’m still not losing any weight. I think I know why. I’m totally addicted to Goldfish crackers – among other things I pretend I’m buying for my child.

It’s normal to breathe an extended sigh of relief after a long day of parenting. I think it’s pretty normal to pour myself a nice, big glass of wine, too. I’m not sure how normal it is to have a bowl of Goldfish with that glass of wine every, single night. What am I – four?

The Goldfish aren’t the only things I’m constantly keeping stocked for myself my child, either. He also enjoys these cute little ice cream cones and whole grain Fig Newtons. I’m sure my husband wonders why we are constantly running out of these things. He has no idea. Unlike me, he eats adult food.

I buy other things to fill the Goldfish void – whole grain crackers, almonds – stuff that grown women are supposed to enjoy. But those things go stale in my pantry. If I saved up the Goldfish bags that I throw away monthly, I could probably make some really disturbing installation art with it – maybe a scarecrow? Or a snow man? Or a paper doll version of a grown woman who will not lose her baby weight – ever – if she keeps this up.

With the news this week that some carbs are as addictive as cocaine, maybe resistance is futile. I should just embrace my regression into kiddie cuisine. It’s probably cheaper than real food, anyway.

(photo: Lana B/ Shutterstock)