being a mom

I Got My Lady Box Removed And All I Got Was A Stupid Pillow Pet

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Why is it that some women, just because they had unprotected sex and gave birth to a human, get fancy jewelry and I have my stupid uterus removed and all I got was a stupid pillow pet? You know pillow pets, those floppy stuffed animals, it’s a pillow! It’s a pet! It’s a Pillow Pet! That’s what I got. 5 hours of surgery and a bunch of incisions in my belly and all I got was a flippin’ stuffed zebra. Not to slag on the Pillow Pet mind you, it goes with me everywhere and has been very helpful when I have to complete amazingly strenuous post-hysterectomy tasks, like walk up stairs, sleep on my side, and cough. Without my beloved Pillow Pet I’d be pretty miserable. It’s been a week since my lady box was removed, and I’m sore. But one would think after such a major surgery that I would at least deserve a diamond-encrusted Pillow Pet or something.

I know that I’m happy to have made it through my surgery and blessed that I have an incredible husband who has been taking excellent care of me and friends and family who have been very lovely, but I think one of the side effects listed on my hysterectomy post op prescriptions is “incessant whining” so my complaining about my lack of lady box bling is totally normal.

There are no “push present” equivalents to getting a hysterectomy. I have never heard of anyone throwing someone a hysterectomy party, complete with uterine-themed party supplies and games like “Guess how big my uterus was?” like they do with baby showers. Not that I feel up to partying, mind you. I’m lucky if I can stay awake long enough to watch a sixty-minute television show. But it seems to me that a milestone like this deserves more recognition than I’m getting. Can’t someone buy this uterus piñata and fill it with my Percocet and iron pills and break it for me (I’m not allowed to break piñatas for 6 weeks) so I can feel celebratory or something?

Yes, I know people giving birth to adorable little humans is a lot more celebratory and exciting than the fact I can no longer spawn adorable little humans, but it seems to me this whole hysterectomy “push present” idea is an untapped market. There should be hysterectomy registries on Target like baby registries where I can register for fancy new vacuum cleaners that I can enjoy when my doctor says I’m allowed to vacuum (6 weeks) and our friends at Pandora should really offer charms to commemorate this so one of my loved ones could bestow a lovely charm bracelet on me. Not that I want something with a tiny sterling silver cervix on it, but come on! I appreciate the lovely flowers and food presents my family and friends have sent me , but my hysterectomy post op would be a lot more celebratory if some really fabulous gifts were included, and if I could stay awake longer than an hour.

I know the “gift” of all of this will be that I will be healthier and feel better and able to live a much more fulfilling life than I have been, when I’m truly hysterectomy post op and recovered and I can regift my Pillow Pet to my daughter (who is already petting it quite frequently, but hands off kid, I need it for holding against my stitches when I cross the room) I’ll be able to take a trip somewhere  with my husband and celebrate the absence of my lady box. Until then I really think I should be getting as much attention as any women who is pregnant, and Crate and Barrel should really let me post a hysterectomy post op gift registry like every other place does with baby showers. My missing uterus may not be as adorable as a newborn baby, but can I at least get a handheld immersion blender for it?

(photo: Greeting Card Universe)