I’m not going to mince words: I really, really like drinking. I love cocktails, and I also like ordering drinks with funny names at wacky establishments with lots of “flair.”
Still, sometimes my mom-brain gets a little boring, and all I can think is “Corona” when a bartender asks what I’m having. But this is a new year, folks, and it’s time to turn over a new leaf. There are 10 weird ass drinks with funny names that I vow to order the next time I go out in public. And if that next time doesn’t come soon enough and my babysitter flakes out on me again, I’m going to make cocktails for one at home, dammit!
Won’t you join me?
1. The Angry German
I like drinks that are angry, and I also happen to be German””bonus! This frighteningly wonderful drink is made with Blackberry Schnapps, Amaretto, Jagermeister, and lime juice. I get all ragey just thinking about it. Turn up the Rammstein!
2. Angel’s Tit
I don’t know about you, but this drink would be fun to order just to see other people’s reactions. It sounds heavenly too””made with Creme de Cacao, Maraschino Liqueur, and heavy cream.
3. Cock Sucking Cowboy
Rumor has it that this drink was inspired by Brokeback Mountain, and that’s all I’ll say about that. The good news is that it is made with deliciousness like Butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey’s. I’ll drink to that!
4. Sex On My Face
Sex On The Beach is so 2000 and late. Sex On My Face ups the ante with Yukon Jack Canadian whiskey, Malibu coconut rum, SoCo, and banana liqueur.
5. Anus Burner
All I can say about this one is, “Eep!” This is technically a shot instead of a cocktail made with tequila, jalapenos, and hot sauce. My husband likes spicy stuff, so maybe he can test it out to see if the shot lives up to its burning reputation.
6. Irish Trash Can
The concept of this drink makes me want to gag just thinking about it””it’s supposed to be made with a bartender’s leftovers at the end of the night. Technically, it can be made without using pre-drunk drinks by mixing equal parts gin, light rum, vodka, triple sec, Peach Schnapps, and Blue Curacao with Red Bull.
7. The Lindsay Lohan
This cocktail has gotta be my favorite, a spin on the Redheaded Slut (obvy!). Mix Peach Schnapps, Jagermeister, Coke, and cranberry, and then head straight to rehab.
8. Mountain Dew Me
Mountain Dew is so 90s, but I guess it still makes a good cocktail. Mix it up with pineapple juice, triple sec, and Midori for a late night jolt that will give you diabeetus.
9. Brass Monkey
I would order this one just so I could sing the Beastie Boys song obnoxiously loud at a bar. Sounds kind of yum too with vodka, dark rum, and OJ in a highball glass.
10. Dirty White Mother
Since this is what I am, I’ll take two, please. Just mix brandy and Kahlua with a splash of cream. Serve with yoga pants and UGG boots on the side.
(photo: Getty Images)