These $20,000 Play Houses For Kids Are Nicer Than My Actual House

I am not a wealthy woman, but I can pay my mortgage and buy Kashi cereal. I also work very hard to make sure my children appreciate the things they have, and I refuse to spoil them. That’s why I want one of you to buy me one of these $20,000 playhouses, and put an electric fence around it that has a “No Kidz Allowed” sign. Please and thank you.

The Huffington Post published a story this week about Lilliput Play Homes that has me eyeing my backyard and asking questions about zoning laws. They say these homes are meant for kids to play in, but I think we can all agree that there is no way that any kid deserves to have one of these to play pirates in when I could turn it into a loving home for me alone.

Here’s how Huff Po describes the homes:

Lilliput Play Homes creates luxurious little houses built to fit in a backyard. The designs range from (relatively) modest cottages to minute mansions. The homes can come complete with wraparound porches, turrets, skylights, cedar shingles and other features you’d normally find in adult houses. Certain designs are pre-wired for electricity, blurring the lines between “play house” and “tiny house” a bit more.

That’s nonsense. If you can afford to buy your kid a playhouse with a wrap around porch and working lights, then you can afford to buy it for me instead. I promise that I will neither eat crackers nor defecate on the premises, and that’s a hell of a lot more than you’re going to get from a kid.

To assist you in your gift selection, I will share my favorites with you.

1. The Grand Victorian

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Aw, look. Baranabas is letting Ruth out of the home she is not legally allowed to own where she daydreams about the divorce she’s not allowed to have. Is this the kind of lifestyle you want to recreate in your backyard? I don’t think so. Better let me live there as the old feminist spinster.

2. Duffy’s Diner

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Your kid can’t even use the stove yet. Do you think he’s going to make you a hamburger? And who’s going to make you a milk shake at 3am — your eight-year-old who goes to bed at 7:30? Please. All I need is a cot in the back room and a pistol for killing rats.

3. Custom Play Home In Orlando, FL

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

You know who doesn’t appreciate pillars and arches? A child. You know who does? This gal right here.

4. Custom Play Home In Montecito, CA

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Those are some gorgeous hardwood floors you’ve got in that playhouse. It’d be a shame if anything…happened to them. Oh, and on an unrelated note, I no longer fit on tricycles and I don’t know how to rollerblade. Just saying.

5. Custom Play Home In Wexford, PA

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Ok, so…is this your subtle way of asking your child to move out? If not, then you might want to take it down a notch. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a permanent live-in house guest who will occasionally swim in the pool I know you have to make sure it gets enough use, then I believe I am available.

6. Custom Play Home In Dallas, TX

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Well, would you look at that. It even has a balcony where Magnolia can yell at the slaves and turn down suitors. Look, your child doesn’t need a brick southern mansion. I, on the other hand, could use one for my production of Gone With The Wind, The Musical.

7. Custom Play Home In Nemicolon, PA

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(From Lilliput Play Homes)

Nothing goes better with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a Capri Sun than the sharp lines and angles of modern design. You’re going to want white leather chairs and clear glass tables in there, which means you’ll also want to preemptively hire a lawyer for the lawsuits that will be coming from your child’s scarred and disfigured playmates. It’s okay, though — you can counter-sue for the bloodstained leather.

Or, you can have me stay there. I haven’t fallen through a glass table since college.

Just think about it.

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