How To Travel During The Holidays Without Losing Your F**king Mind

By  | 


It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays!  You know what I mean: you have to avoid 85% of Walmart aisles because grabby toddler hands are too enticed by the explosion of Christmas offerings, the annual marital battles over the thermostat heat up (get it?  Heat up?), and it’s time to think about the dreaded T word. Travel.

Lucky you, I just took my two kids and two carseats on a whirlwind weekend trip across the country, and my pain is your gain. Here are my words of wisdom for this year’s over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go – and arrive at, alive and more-or-less sane.

Do:  Pack only pajama jeans for yourself. Strike that. Wear your pajama jeans and pack nothing for yourself. Wear your pajama jeans to dinner, then to bed, then to dinner again. Ignore any comments that seem like anything other than compliments.  You are in survival mode.

Don’t: Pack light for the kids. Nothing says “asshole” like a parent who sends her kids out to play in short sleeves in 50 degree weather, especially if that asshole has been wearing the same pair of warm, denim pajamas for several days in a row.

Do: Turn your car seats over in the parking lot and give them a good shake. What you might not know is that when they put car seats through security, they put them upside down on the belt, and maybe I’m alone in this, but when you turn my car seats over, all sorts of embarrassing things fall out. Crayon pieces, week-old fruit snacks, ponytail holders, soggy cheerios, pacifiers…if you don’t shake that out before you get to security, it’s going to fall onto the belt, and the security officers (and everybody else) will be forced to examine it and cluck. Ugh, yes, I am a filthy human being.

Do: Dress your children exactly the same so if one of them runs away or gets abducted, you can hold up the other one and say to the authorities, “looks just like this.”

Pages: 1 2