Childrearing

5 Signs Your Kid Is A Con Artist

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MV5BMTg2MTEwODUwMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzkwMDg5OQ@@._V1_SX640_SY720_Con artists are kind of all the rage right now, what with the release of the new movie American Hustle. I was watching a rerun of Dr. Phil the other day about con artists when it hit me; my toddler might be one.

There were all of these women on his stage who were being totally manipulated by the men in their lives and I saw so much of myself in them. Okay, so they were being manipulated by actual adults – most professional con artists. But they looked confused, tired, broke; very similar to the way I look at the end of the day after caring for my 3-year-old.

At the end of the segment, Dr. Phil’s suggests that if you feel you may be the victim of a con artist yourself, to go to his site and take the Signs You Are Involved With A Con Artist Quiz. I did it. The results are alarming.

 1. Pressure to get married.

Check. Ever since we had our children, people can’t seem to shut up about this. Does this count?

2. Vague answers to questions about his past.

Check. Just this morning I asked him if he actually ate his oatmeal or shoved it into the lining of his high chair. He evaded the question and started pretending to chew. Hmmm…

3. Questionable financial worth.

Check. I pay for everything. He’s really not pulling his weight around here.

 4. Lies about his age.

Check. When a lady in the supermarket yesterday asked him how old he was, he said, “four.” He knows damn well he’s three. We’ve gone over this to the point of exhaustion.

5. Has multiple social security numbers.

Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past him – but this is a no.

Great. So i’m involved with a con artist. Why me? Dr. Phil has all the answers to that – of course!

You have something worth getting.

These types of men are looking for a woman with something they can take. You don’t have to be wealthy or be an heiress to a huge fortune. If you have a job and a little bit of room on your credit card, this may attract him.

Yup. It’s called an iPhone. It’s in his smarmy little hands right now.

 Gullibility

You have a willingness to believe anything the con artist is telling you. You may think you’re a good judge of character, but these guys are really slick. They start learning how to lie at age 3.

Age 3! Did you see that? Age 3! So when he says before he goes to bed every night, I have to go pee-pee in the potty! and I get so proud that he’s asking to use it like a big boy and let him out of his room – I am being a gullible schmuck. There’s no doubt about it.

My kid is a con artist. I’m screwed.

(photo: IMDB)