Holidays

Daddy Blogger Tries To Defend Elf On The Shelf, Only Succeeds In Annoying Me

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Like Santa, the Easter Bunny, leprechauns at the end of rainbows and a doctor’s visit that is actually fun, the Elf on the Shelf is a complete fabrication. He or she is but another lie we keep juggling as parents.

But we have way worse lies on the go at all times that are way more damaging to a child’s future than whether or not Elf on the Shelf is real. We tell our kids that everything is fine when we’re struggling financially. We tell our kids that everything will be OK when daddy is crying because something went bad at work or at home. We tell our kids everything will be OK when someone we love very much is sick. We do that because we don’t want our kids to worry about us. Who knows whether or not that’s the right decision but we often make it in the moment to protect them.

So, because we protect children from hard truths they are not old enough to understand means we should tell other lies too? Having an Elf around to report to the North Pole with presents hanging in the balance doesn’t send a message to my kids that I feel comfortable with. Sure, you can say that is not what YOUR Elf is about but isn’t that what the book is about? And if that isn’t the point, then what is? “Hey, it’s the holiday season so I’m going to move this Elf around the house for no reason at all!” Seems legit.

On taking issue with the bribery aspect of the Elf:

I’d agree to this if every parent wasn’t guilty of it at some point. The parent who can come to me and sat they’ve never offered their child anything as a reward for good behavior can show me their Parent of the Year certificate and I’ll kiss it. I’ll kiss it in my Santa boxers and my ugly Christmas sweater.

So, because you have bribed them a few times so you can pee alone or get through a trip to Target without a major meltdown means we should keep up a bribe to get them to behave the entire month of December because, presents? And what of the other 11 months of the year? Maybe we need an Elf for all seasons!

The end:

You aren’t better than me because you’ve taken a stand against Elf on the Shelf. You aren’t raising less gullible kids. The fact that you don’t like it when other parents post pictures on Facebook of an elf who has painted snowmen on their child’s face doesn’t make me admire you more.

I’m just an average guy doing average things with a toy. My kid smiles when Elf has fallen down on the floor. I don’t care how many page views you get by writing about how Elf on the Shelf will never be in your house because xx. I don’t care that in your strange logic, my kids are being spoiled by having yet another make-believe character giving them crap.

Every time my kids smile because they’ve seen Elf doing something stupid, I feel victorious. I’ll do it until I’m 135 if the smiles keep coming, because there are too many points in their life when smiles won’t be there.

I am not asking for admiration and by no means do I think I am better than anyone. I’m a parent making a decision I think is right for my children and I don’t need to hear that all of my reasons are invalid. And I’m not sure it makes them less gullible, but when they whine to me about their friends Elves, I tell them freely that they can be purchased at Barnes and Noble for $29.95 and that makes them not at all magical. I don’t think I am better for saying that but it’s what sits right with me and makes MY children smile. Sure, they still get jealous now and then of their friends with an Elf but they understand he isn’t real. And as strange as you think my logic is for having solid and thoughtful reasons for not buying into this, I find it strange that you seem so bent on convincing us all that it’s totally cool. Now if you will excuse me, I’m off to make my kids frown. Because that’s how us non-Elf-having parents roll.

(Image: Twitter)

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