mom fun

8 Things I Wouldn’t Know About Your Kid If Facebook Didn’t Exist

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laptopIf you’ve ever read STFU parents, then you know by now that Facebook overshares are a real thing. The funny thing is that Facebook overshares will go on until the end of time because every parent is deluded (probably myself included) into thinking that they aren’t the culprit.

The odds are that you’ve slipped up a time or two and have posted an annoying Facebook status—whether it was a gushing description of your baby’s first word that made all your single friends want to wretch or even a picture of your kid’s wart as a cry for help because the pediatrician’s office was already closed.

If you are friends with parents on Facebook, you probably know way too much about their kids already. The good news is that there’s no reason to get together and catch up because you know exactly what grade little Johnny got on his last math test. The bad news is that this behavior is ultra-annoying, and no one ever wants to read about your baby’s dirty diaper.

Here are 8 things I would never know about your kid without the TMI train wreck that is social media:

1. The exact millisecond of conception.


All I can say to this is, Noooooo. I’ve seen quite a few newlyweds on my feed joke about “trying.” And then I promptly threw up my sandwich.

2.    What your baby looks like in the womb.


I’m not necessarily against sonogram pics, but I’ve seen so many of them that I can’t tell all of the blurry alien babies apart!

3.    Way too much information about bodily functions.


This is just not acceptable, any way you slice it. Thank goodness my husband doesn’t mind talking about the texture of baby poop, so I can get my fix before I turn all my Facebook friends against me.

4.    Stupid shit your kid says.


Maybe I’m dead inside, but there’s nothing that irritates me more than parents quoting their kids on Facebook. NO ONE THINKS IT’S AS FUNNY AS YOU DO. I rest my case.

5.    Your kid’s first day of school outfit.


Sure, it’s cute and all, but I never imagined I would know exactly what all of my friends’ kids wore to school on their first day. And it never gets old, year after year after year after year…

6.    Your kid’s disgusting rash.

No one is a fan of rashes, I repeat, no one. Maybe you need an outside opinion, but don’t trust the so-called doctor on your Facebook feed to diagnose an allergic reaction on your kid’s arm. Just don’t.

7.    Your noble feelings about your kid.

There are a few strange people on my Facebook feed that make it a point to post how they would literally die for their kids. I honestly don’t get it. I’m sure we would all do the same, but this isn’t the script for a Lifetime movie. Simmer down.

8.    Your kid’s endless ability to do normal kid things.

I love technology. I love recording asinine videos with my iPhone and sending them to my mom or sister. I normally don’t post a 30 second clip to Facebook of my kid walking down the hall eating yogurt because, yet again, no one thinks it’s as cool or as clever as I think it is.

And for those of you who enjoy looking at these sorts of overshares, please see everything done by STFU Parents.

(photo: Getty Images)