STFU Parents: Five Reasons Not To Discuss Your Child Potty Training On Facebook

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Of all the types of parent overshare that exist, updates about potty training might be the most ubiquitous. Even my own news feed, which thankfully doesn’t have many examples of overshare, has been known to feature a sprinkling of potty training updates. I think the reason for this is two-fold: First, parents get really sick of wiping their little munchkin’s ass every day. And not just every day, as all you parents out there know, but multiple times a day. Diapers are a drag, and cleaning up poop is no one’s idea of a good time (and if it, then please just keep that information to yourself).

That leads me to my second point, which is that when kids finally get the hang of potty training, it’s cause for major celebration on the parents’ end. High-fiving, toasting with champagne and going out to a nice meal are all in the cards, and deservedly so. Knowing that from here on out your kid is going to consciously use a toilet is a great achievement for both parents and kids. But just because it’s a wonderful achievement that may or may not culminate in throwing your kid a “potty party” doesn’t mean your friends want to know about it. Especially on Facebook. Here are some reasons why:

1. The Sound

I don’t know what “fizz fizz” means (nor do I want to), but I can say for certain that no parent should quote the sound of his or her child’s poop, even as reported by the child. Keep that special secret between the two of you. Also, the word “plop” is just gross.

2. Baby Talk

What’s worse than stumbling upon your friend’s wacky Facebook update about her toddler potty training? Realizing that it’s written in baby talk. Sure, this parent doesn’t actually trade out her r’s for w’s, but her rambling run-on sentence, followed up with a “whoo wee :-)” just makes me want to hit the bottle. The whiskey bottle. And did we need to know that her daughter “strained” the eighth time? Good god, no.

3. Details

To steal a line from Melissa, I feel parents’ pain. Potty training can be a frustrating time. But you know what else can be frustrating? Hearing about it in excruciating detail. The highs, the lows, the prizes, the accidents, the “airing out”….these are all details that just should be discussed away from Facebook. And the “small stain in his underwear” bit would potentially warrant a de-friend from me. Sorry, Melissa, but if you’re this close to scaring MY bowels, then we probably don’t need to be Facebook friends anymore.

4. Facebook Is Not a Diary

This submission strikes me as a true symbol of how some parents view Facebook. It’s essentially an online journal, diary, “firsts” book and scrapbook all in one. And that is not the purpose of Facebook (by my estimation, at least). Not to mention, I don’t think Blue’s comment was meant to be interpreted favorably, considering that knowing smiley face. I’m pretty sure that was Blue’s nice way of saying, “Stop talking.” My version involves fewer smiley faces and more expletives.

5. Potty Pics

I currently have 25+ submissions that resemble this one. Actually, one-third of the submissions look like this, another third are pictures of smiling kids standing next to a poop-filled toilet, and the final third are just plain embarrassing pictures of kids sitting on the potty and looking everything from elated to horrified. Despite what some parents may say, I do not believe that every parent should have a “potty pic.” But if you must take one for memory purposes, please, for the love of Febreeze, don’t put it on Facebook.