What Not To Expect When You’re Expecting

7. Independence, part II. 

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There will be things you legitimately can’t do on your own and it is embarrassing. I’m talking about putting on and taking off your boots. Both of my pregnancies ended in the winter, and you can contort your body all you want, but eventually you’re going to have to break down and ask for help. Don’t forget: you’re a strong, independent woman. Who can’t put on her own shoes.

How to handle this: Be pregnant in the summer.

8. Sympathy. 

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Sure, you’ll get sympathy, but you’ll get the wrong kind of sympathy. People will open doors for you and then heat up fish in the microwave right next to you. I’m not saying that everybody should always act only with you in mind, but the fact is, there are going to be things that make you feel really, truly terrible, and those are things that many people will forget to think about.

How to handle this: Lock yourself in your room and don’t come out until you’re done being pregnant.

9. A good attitude.

Just me? Okay then, carry on.

10. Perspective. 

This is probably the worst part of pregnancy, and I’m not talking about all that “This is a miracle,” “Cherish the time” bullshit. There’s a feeling towards the end of pregnancy that is like the end of a marathon: You know in your head that at some point it’s going to end. But in your heart your life stretches out ahead of you; pregnant forever, unable to put on your own boots or turn your body without knocking some glass off of a table, never able to sleep on your back or stomach or sides, never able to just have a bottle or two of wine because you goddamned feel like it. The state that you’re in is the state that you’ll always be in, and life will never be normal again.

How to handle this: Listen carefully – it does get back to normal. It takes a long time and there are truly terrible aspects to post-pregnancy bodily functions and caring for a squalling newborn, but normalcy eventually wins out. I promise.

But be warned, though – for some of us, the bad attitude thing sticks.

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