10 Reactions You’ll Have When You Get Pregnant While Using An IUD
A year ago this month I was minding my own business, enjoying the benefits of my IUD, and basking in the glow of my only child, knowing Iâ€™d never have to deal with pregnancy ever again, when suddenly I realized my period had gone missing. It stepped out one night in October and never returned. Where could it be, I wondered? I searched high, I searched low, and finally my search led me to the family planning aisle of my local CVS. I peed on a stick, and the double pink chalk outline of my un-pregnant self appeared. She was dead. Gone. Replaced by a Fertile Myrtle whose eggs were like, â€œF*ck you and your contraception!â€
Suddenly I was a part of the one percent, except it wasnâ€™t the cool one percent that has private jets and poops in diamond-encrusted golden toilet bowls. It was the other one percent; the one reality laughs at and mocks mercilessly while their five-year-plan erupts in flames and disintegrates into a pile of ash at their swollen feet. When this happens to you, well, you have more than a few feelings* about it:
Sorry, I reject this reality. Bunk test. Bring me 20 more – get the digital ones – and also a bottle of vodka.
2. Okay, now Iâ€™m confused.
These tests all say Iâ€™m pregnant. I donâ€™t know what to do with this information.
3. Is this a thing? I feel like this canâ€™t be a thing.
I mean, everyone knows â€œless than one percentâ€ chance means â€œonly happens to other people and wonâ€™t happen to me,â€ right? Right. So, how did I…? I mean, how did we…? What is going on?
4. Iâ€™m having a baby.
See also: how the f*ck are we going to afford this? Am I going to gain 90 pounds? What if we end up homeless? What if my vagina explodes and we all die?
5. This wasnâ€™t supposed to happen.
I had a plan. A plan, do you hear me?