Every woman’s labor and birth experience are different. Some of you will feel elated. Some of you will feel exhausted. Going though labor is such a personal, individual experience, and so many things factor into it. Whether you had a vaginal birth or a c-section. Whether you had a natural birth or took as many drugs as you could get your laboring little hands on. If the birth you had carefully outlined in your beautifully appointed leather-bound birthing plan notebook went the way you expected it to or not. But as a lady who has been to this baby expelling rodeo a few times, I know some of the things you will think immediately after giving birth. And this list is in no way inclusive.
My Heart Is Going To Explode I Can’t Believe That This Is The Love They Told Me About!!!!1111!!!!!!111OneElventy!!!111!!!!111!
That’s it. I’m done. Everything makes sense now. The heavens have parted and everything in the world is right. Everything. I thought I loved my parents. I thought I loved my spouse. But no, this is totally a million times different and now I get it. This is what they meant. I’m complete. My legs may still be shaking and I feel sort of pukey but it’s okay. I get it now. I get everything now. Wait. I did this? This came out of ME? How could I do something this incredible. Are you sure this is my baby? I did this? Wow.
Is That All There Is?
Big whoop. I guess he is kinda cute. I’m tired.
Please Don’t Tell Me This Happened
For the love of Goddess, God, The Universe, Jesus, The Magical Ultrasound Dolphin please don’t tell me anything else pushed out of my body while I was pushing. With people down there. Filming. I can’t look. I don’t wanna know. Just let the nurse hurry and clean me up and we shall never speak of this again.
No, I Don’t Want To “See The Placenta”
No, really, it’s okay, just take it away. I do not need it. No. Noooooo thank you.
Yes, I Want To See The Placenta!
This is fascinating! Can I touch it? That grew inside of me? That was what was nourishing my baby? Can I take it home? Will you wrap it up?
What The Hell Are They Doing To Him Over There? Give Me Back My Baby.
Give me back my baby. I don’t have time for this. His Apgar Score is fine I’m sure. He is fine. See he is crying. He neeeeds me. Give me back the baby. I need to count his toes and fingers. Why is he crying? Give.Me.The.Baby.
Wait, Did I Call My Husband A ______ Mother _____ _______ Head?
Oh _____. During some of the more, ahem, “difficult” parts of my labor I may have said some things to some people I shouldn’t have. Like my husband. And my mother. And my sister. And my best friend. And that one nice nurse who asked me if I wanted ice chips and I replied “___ you, You have no ____ idea how much I’m in ___ pain right now, you _______ ______ ____ face. ”
The Foods. Give Them All To Me. Give Me The Foods Now.
No! I don’t want ice chips! Are you INSANE? I am starving. I want food. I want real food. I want meat. Yes, I want a cheeseburger. And I want it to have bacon on it. And I want you to get me the biggest size of fries they have, and no, those will not be big enough so get yourself fries too and I will eat those as well and NO, I do not want any juice. What is WRONG with you? I want soda. I want a supersized big gulp extra large with extra ice and extra soda in it and see if you can find a place that sells soda, in a bucket. I have not had any caffeine in over nine months and I want the biggest size soda they have. And also, get me a case of soda to put in the room ‘fridge because I cannot be waking up at four in the morning tomorrow and not have soda. And I want one more cheeseburger. Also, candy. Get me candy.
Wait, If I Ate That Means Eventually I’ll Have To…
No, I take it back. I do not want to. Ever. Again. I can’t. That entire area down there feels like it was beaten with a baseball bat covered in rusty nails and shards of glass and sharks’e teeth. I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna take the “stool softener.” I don’t want anything to do with any of this that entire area below my waist is off limits until further notice. Forever.
If You Stop Grabbing It Maybe I Can Get It In His Mouth
Listen, I really appreciate your help and all but I haven’t had someone who I’m not sleeping with grab my boob in like, ages, so maybe if you let me try it I can position him and I appreciate your help Ms. Lactation Consultant but you are so not helping. Just give us a little time and if I am still having issues you can come back and help us then. No, really, unhand my breast. Please. You are making him cry. Just give me a minute. There. see. I got it in. We are fine. Wait, how often do I do this again? Where are you going? How do I know if he is getting enough. Wait. Is he choking? Come back here.