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How To Put A Positive Spin On Your Biggest Parenting Fails

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fancy-babyHaving a baby is hard, because they are not very good at not doing terrible things to themselves. And while we try our best to keep them safe and clean and happy and out of danger, well, shit happens. When your baby succeeds at eating something weird or destroying your house, it is important to remember that you are not alone. The same thing probably happens to Kate Middleton every day. All you have to do is look on the bright side and put a positive spin on the experience. Here are X common parenting fails that you can spin to make your baby sound eve fancier.

1. Baby eats a bug. 

Your infant has a sophisticated and adventurous palate. Your baby is also a forward-thinker who realizes that humans are likely to be turning towards insects for protein in the future.

2. Toddler breaks a stained glass window at church.

Your baby is an iconoclast.

3. Baby has not been washed recently.

You do not believe in exposing your baby to the toxic chemicals in shampoo. You clean your baby with only all-natural oils. (Do not specify that by “oils” you mean “the oils that come off the baby’s head because I have not washed the baby in a week.”)

4. You dropped your iPad on the baby’s head. 

Your baby has very visceral, instinctive interactions with technology and will certainly go into a STEM field.

5. You spilled coffee on the baby.

You treated your baby’s skin with an all-natural, antioxidant-rich serum from Sumatra.

6. The baby is wearing only one sock.

Human feet were designed to go barefoot, and your baby is a devotee of the barefoot running guru behind those weird Vibram 5 Fingers shoes.

7. The stroller is covered in dried baby food. 

Your baby is traveling in a customized stroller decorated in eco-friendly, organic, biodegradable materials applied in the style of Jackson Pollock.

8. The baby plays on a $10M piece of art in a museum.

Your baby, like Ai Wei Wei, believes in tearing down the sacred cows of tradition and is creating his own art by destroying the art of others as a bold and fearless public statement.

9. Your toddler says “fuck” a lot.

Just tell everyone that your precocious reader got into your collection of David Mamet plays.

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