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I Feel Like I Owe My Fiancé For Having A Second Baby

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not negotiableBefore my fiancé got his reverse vasectomy for me, of course we chatted about having a baby together. He was into it, if only because he had always dreamed of having three children and a boy. He already had two girls. But I will admit that it did take some convincing. It must have, looking back, because I wrote out a list of “vows” on his iPhone in order to help convince him that having another child would be so easy and fun (HA HA HA HA!)

On my list I wrote that he would never have to go on diaper runs. I wrote that I’d always be the one to get up in the middle of the night. (I also wrote that our sex life wouldn’t suffer.) Well, HA HA HA HA! My fiancé always goes on the diaper runs and he also gets up when needed in the middle of the night (I still do good in the sex department.) However, I do feel sometimes that I “owe” my fiancé for giving me my dream of a second child. Of course I didn’t hold a gun to his head while he got the reverse vasectomy or while we had unprotected sex after. But a lot of the time, like other women I know, I feel that because he gave me the best gift a woman who wants another child could get (another baby) I owe him for the rest of my life.

For example, because I can pretty much work from wherever, I want to rent a place somewhere tropical for the month of July. My fiancé is not into me going away for a month, with our baby, even though he can come visit. There are a number of reasons I can spew out why it’s good for me to go away, but always in the back of my head, when it comes to big decisions concerning our family, I always get stuck with, “Well, he did give me our son, so I really SHOULD stick around if he wants me to.”

One of my friends had to beg her husband for almost a year for a second child. She won that fight. But now, two years later, her husband accepted a job offer in another country and my friend, who is so not into moving, told me, “But then he did give me our daughter so now I feel like I have to do whatever he wants.”

It got me thinking. How many of us have convinced our partners to have a child, making promises that are completely unrealistic, and then feel, because our partners did this HUGE LIFE CHANGING thing for us, that we owe them…forever. Hands up?

My fiancé is the best father in the world. But because he gave me what I wanted (our baby) does that mean I have to give in to whatever he wants now and forever? My “vows” were good on paper. But in practice? Not so much. In fact, laughable really. When I really think of all my friends, or other women I know, there are so many who had to beg for their second or third child.

One friend moved from Israel to Toronto with her husband ONLY because she insisted that she would move if they had another baby. She got her baby and now lives…in Toronto. Presently, she is working on getting knocked up a third time in exchange for staying more than their agreed three years here.

I think all my “vows” went out the window when I went into labor, because it was fucking torture, and I think he “owes” me because I’m still traumatized from the pain. Then I had a c-section and six weeks of pain and all my remaining “vows” really went out the window after that. Yes, I made promises. Yes, I broke many promises. But now am I really “stuck,” for lack of a better word, owing my fiancé for the rest of my life for giving me our precious gift? Do I now have to get the car he wants, show up to all his work events, and do all the grunge work around the house, give up traveling, all because he agreed to have a baby with me?

I have never asked my fiancé if he feels like I “owe” him —  mostly I’m afraid of the answer.

(photo: chrisdorney / Shutterstock)