I Bred With A Juggalo

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3. Juggalettes smoke and drink during pregnancy. All.The.Time

There has never been a group of people that brought out my inner sanctimommy as much as these violence-obsessed douche rockets do. I’m not “down with the clown” which makes me a “juggahoe.” It is what it is. But It must have something to do with how much their hero Violent J hates science and fact, because I never saw more preggos smoke and drink than when I was living in an apartment complex filled with Juggalos and Juggalettes. Seriously, the scene below was a common one:

preggo juggelette smoking


This Ninjette mom-to-be has everything; hatchet man necklace around her neck, cigarette in hand, and her huge pregnant belly fully on display, including an eerily accurate portrait of her little ninja-to-be drawn on, clown makeup and all. #Klassy. Then there is this…

juggalo newborn(Photo:

First off, the paint on this poor newborn’s face is almost certainly toxic, because Juggalos are DUMB. You can even see the look of fear and horror on this little guy’s face. You just know he’s thinking “What the fuck did I do in a former life to deserve this shit?” I don’t know, little buddy. I don’t know. Juggalo parents put this crap on their kid’s face all the time. For no reason. Tim was dying to do this to our daughter, but I put my foot down. Even if it wasn’t toxic, I didn’t want to advertise my low standards by putting clown makeup on my kid so people would know I bred with one. NOPE.

4. There is no such thing as a feminist Juggalette

juggalo famkily


My favorite part of this picture isn’t the multiple poorly drawn ICP-related tattoos these two sport (check out her neck tattoo), though that is definitely a close second. No, my favorite part is the caption:

“See, women do let Juggalos sleep with them. Sometimes without a condom. These proud Juggalo parents will someday raise their own Juggalo, instilling in it the core values of all Lo’s and Lette’s: You must always notice and recognize miracles and Faygo-brand pop is meant to be sprayed on women’s boobies.”

There you have it folks. Juggalo family values.

5. Entire families will dress up in the ICP gear to hang out

juggalo family 2

(Photo:  dancronin)

Lest you think that only infants are allowed in on the clown-o-licious fun, I show you exhibit A : A Juggalo family in their natural habitat. But wait, what’s that? Is that a Dr.Pepper I spy at the older dude’s Jugga-douche’s feet (I’m guessing he’s the dad)? Considering the rich history of insanely CRAZY crime from the Juggalo culture, I think he needs to watch his back. Drinking anything but Faygo is tantamount to treason. Or it will be once they figure out what treason is.

I refused to dress up like a moron to go to the mall with my formerly sane husband, which of course got me labeled a “hater” and a “trendy bitch” (by his friends). It was bad enough being seen in public with Tim in his hatchet clothing and cheap, Halloween makeup.

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