I Bred With A Juggalo

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could have beenBelieve it or not, I was not always the snark-tastic, awesome writer that I am today. No, my friends, I once dated a Juggalo. Actually, I created a brand new PERSON with a Juggalo. I shit you not.

What is a Juggalo, you might ask? A Juggalo is one of the dim-witted, wannabe gansta-rap “horror-core” rap-loving followers of everyone’s favorite lovers of stupidity, Insane Clown Posse (ICP).

My ex Tim and I met in the last 90s in New York City when I was living with my mother. This is what I refer to as the “Pre-ICP Years,” because Tim hadn’t yet discovered the wicked warriors or become “down with the clown.” We spent most of our early years as high school sweethearts and started a family not too long after we graduated. When I discovered I was pregnant, we decided to move closer to my dad in Ohio so I could take classes at the University of Cincinnati.

My dad, at the time, lived in a little piece of hell outside of Cincinnati called Hamilton. The locals, however, called it “Hamiltucky,” and the locals “Hamil-billies.” This is where Tim discovered the Insane Clown Posse.

It started small at first, and to be honest, I don’t believe Tim ever really took to Juggalo-ism, not the way his buddies (and unfortunately all their kids) did. I think to truly understand what it means to be a Juggalo, you need that perfect mix of drug use, second hand smoke exposure as a child and fetal alcohol syndrome, which Tim simply didn’t have. But in that motley crew of dirty clown lovers, Tim found a home, and he clung to it, even when they would tease him about his love of learning.

Seriously, they hate learning. This is ICP front man “Violent J” a.k.a Joseph Bruce fumbling to make an analogy about how much science sucks:

“Well,” Violent J says, “science is… we don’t really… that’s like…” He pauses. Then he waves his hands as if to say, “OK, an analogy”: “If you’re trying to fuck a girl, but her mom’s home, fuck her mom! You understand? You want to fuck the girl, but her mom’s home? Fuck the mom. See?”

Fuck the mom indeed. Sounds like the only person that fucked his mom was his uncle. The only thing ICP loves more than ragging on higher learning (if by “higher” you mean “beyond the third grade”) is wearing ridiculous clown makeup, donning hatchet man jewelry and inciting gang-related crime.

Witness Violent J in all his makeupy goodness:

Violent J Gathering of Clowns

(Photo: ninjatactics)

Below are some of the fascinating and ridiculous things I learned about Juggalo “culture.” The scariest part? This COULD HAVE BEEN ME.

1. Juggalettes are encouraged to have kids way too young

During my time with a Juggalo, I learned a few disturbing valuable things about this strange little Midwestern sub-culture. Like the fact that female Juggalos, or what they like to call “Jugglettes” or “Ninjettes,” and their baby daddies start having babies even earlier than I did. Now, I’m not trying to knock teenage parents here, but Juggalos take “teen parenting” to the next level. It shouldn’t even be called teen parenting. It should be called teen “making your parents raise your baby while you listen to terrible faux rap music and drink Faygo“ing.

juggalette with creepy baby(Photo:  Old Creeper)

2. Juggalos give their babies Faygo

Fucking Faygo. If you don’t know what Faygo is, first let me congratulate you. You’ve done well in life. Faygo is pretty much the cheapest, shittiest soda you can buy. It makes RC Cola look like Dom Perignon. Juggalos drink this swill like it’s going out of style. Which is funny, because Faygo was never in style. ICP literally douses their audience with it. I honestly suspect that the reason why these people grow up to be so dim is all the Faygo that their parents give them in lieu of formula.

baby drinking faygo


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