WikiHow Can Teach You To Be ‘Cool Around Your Kids’ Because Moms Are Lame
I don’t know about the rest of you parents, but my number one priority at all times is having these people who live under my roof and don’t pay rent and eat all my food consider me, their 44-year-old frumpy mom, “cool.” Thank goodness someone wrote a Wikihow all about this so I know how to be cool around my kids because without it, I don’t know how I would manage. There are nine steps to how to be cool around your kids, so let’s break them down:
The first step is:
Buy some cool new clothes. Cool does not mean the whole rapper outfit. For example, instead of wearing your floral shorts and your old, torn up “The Monkees” shirt, or trying to dress like a rapper with baggy shirts, falling off your butt jeans and a gangster hat, wear nice, darker dress shoes, darker, well fitting jeans and a plain white dress shirt if your a father. If you’re a mother, try cute flats or cute high heels (Just don’t wear hooker boots), flattering jeans (Any color, and, if you can pull them off, skinny jeans) for your body, a nice, fun-but-stylish-and-mature shirt (Pick a color that compliments your hair color, eye color, skin color etc.), and maybe a cute necklace and/or a bracelet. Hair doesn’tÂ reallyÂ matter, just have a clean but fun, stylish cut, with a nice colour (In other words, not a strange color. Either dye it an average color, or let it be natural) so that, all in all, you are stylish. Those outfits are cool and stylish. You can be stylish and mature at the same time. Don’t wear high socks or short shorts. You don’t want to embarrass your child when you drive him or her to school.
I fail this tip so hard because of my dirty Wu Tang Clan shirt and my not cool hair in a scrunchie with two inches of new growth showing and my faded yoga pants. Fun but stylish and mature shirt. I have no idea what this even means. This is a lot of adjectives to saddle a damn blouse with but according to me, fun but stylish and mature obviously means this:
The next step is to listen.
Â You can use some of the languageÂ inÂ moderation, but, you know, don’t greet your kid’s friends saying “Yo, wassup, radical dude?!”
I don’t know about you all, but from now on they ONLY way I will greet my kid’s friends isÂ “Yo, wassup, radical dude?!” Thanks Wikihow!Â
We are also supposed to learn about youth culture.Â
I think we all know plenty about youth culture, and we have zero interest in it. We can learn more about youth culture, in order to tell our own youths how stupid youth culture is.
We also need toÂ Respect privacy, and sure, yeah, that makes sense. Kids need their privacy but this tip goes on to sayÂ Do not talk about your child to other children unless you have their permission first and what fun is that because more than anything I want to go to all of my kid’s friends and sayÂ Yo, wassup, radical dude?! Do you know your friend still has issuesÂ hitting the actual toilet when he pees?”Â
The next steps are driving your kids home from school, rewarding good behavior and protecting your child, and that step includes this image:
And I have no clue what is going on here but I think the mom said something likeÂ Yo, wassup, radical dude?! Wanna nuzzle my bosom in bed for a while?”Â
The final steps are treat your teens as house mates (yeah right) and be a good parent, which makes no sense because I thought we were learning how to be cool around our kids and I cannot be BOTH a good parent and cool at the same time. The final warnings include:
- Don’t kill yourself trying to be cool. Just be yourself, but with an extra touch of awesome!
And my favorite one:
- When your daughter has her period, don’t phone people and tell them as she will be very embarrassed .
Cool parents don’t call everyone to alert them to the fact their daughter is surfing the crimson tide! I may just print all these out and hang them on my refrigerator for future reference. I’m so excited I know how to make my kids think I’m cool now!