Happy Valentine’s Day! Burger King Invented ‘Adult’ Kids’ Meals Full of Beer and Sex Toys

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White Castle always celebrates Valentine’s Day by putting on a high-end cosplay and pretending to be a fancy restaurant. They have candles, and white tablecloths, and they take reservations–and those reservations book up way in advance–and it’s all very posh, in a semi-ironic sort of way. But while White Castle is celebrating the expensive, luxurious elements of traditional Valentine’s Day celebrations, Burger King is doing away with all the fripperies and getting straight down to the S-E-X.

According to AdWeek, Burger King is going all Fifty Shades this year and releasing “adult meals”–like kids’ meals but pervy–for Valentine’s Day. You have to be over 18 to buy one, and they’re only available after 6 p.m. on February 14, but inside each large, purple box you will find two Whoppers, two French fries, two beers, and a surprise sex toy.

Unfortunately, Burger King is not actually giving out vibrators. The sex toys are either a “tickle” feather on a stick, a satin sleep mask, or a scalp massager.

Are scalp massagers sexy? They look kind of weird and alien. I never realized they were considered sex toys. Also I do not truck with the tickle feather.  I am way too ticklish, especially on the feet. If you try to tickle me, I will kick you in the face with my un-pedicured toes. (I am not allowed in the pedicure salon anymore.)

The sleep mask looks nice, though! I love a good sleep mask.

Actually going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day is awful. It’s crowded and everyone is busy and it’s impossible to get a reservation, and the staff are overworked and everyone is trying too hard to be sexy and romantic. Getting a couple beers and burgers sounds like a lot more fun, and the fancy restaurants will be empty again tomorrow.

Unfortunately, the Adult Meals are only available at Burger King in Israel this year, but with all the press they’re getting, maybe we’ll all be able to get some sexy fast food next year.