Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You to Spray Coffee Up Your Ass
Welp, Gwyneth Paltrow is at it again. The actress-turned-health and wellness expert launched Goop, a “lifestyle brand” in 2008. Since then, she and Goop have made some pretty dubious claims about things you can do to improve your health and life. Last year, Gwyneth suggested that women should put jade eggs inside their vaginas. Then there was the time she hawked “healing stickers” allegedly backed by NASA (NASA did not endorse the stickers in any way). She even tried selling “psychic vampire repellent”. But now, Gwyneth has gone too goddamn far. The latest scheme? Asking people to take coffee, sweet, delicious coffee, and squirt it directly into their ass.
What the actual FUCK, Gwyneth Paltrow?
The latest fuckery Gwyneth is selling is beyond the pale. Goop is promoting something called The Implant O’Rama (quite the name!). It’s an enema, and you’re supposed to fill it with coffee, and “cleanse” your rectum and large intestine with it. Just put the little squirter in your butt and shoot it right up in there. This device retails for a reasonable $135.00!
No, no, no! #GwynethPaltrow pushing an at-home coffee enema kit? Dangerous, dumb and, um, disgusting. This was a big theme when I met with Dr. Junger, @GwynethPaltrow's doc, researching book. He has recommended frequent (daily) colonics. Insanity. @DrJenGunter #Detox pic.twitter.com/njEzuWjhC2
— Timothy Caulfield (@CaulfieldTim) January 5, 2018
According to the product’s website, coffee enemas promote “health, detoxification, and longevity.” Unsurprisingly, none of those claims are backed by actual science. The company even has a disclaimer on the product that says “This information has not been evaluated or approved by the FDA and is not necessarily based on scientific evidence from any source.”
No shit, Sherlock.
There is, however, plenty of evidence that says squirting coffee into your ass isn’t a great idea. I’m glad this evidence exists, but it saddens me that people need to be told NOT TO DO THAT. Hot coffee enemas have been blamed for rectal burns and perforation. Even cooled coffee causes problems; it’s been linked to several cases of proctocolitis, an inflammation of the lower intestine. Using any kind of liquid to “cleanse your bowels”, even water, should be avoided. It can disrupt the balance of bacteria in your gut, and cause your bowels to perforate.
"Put a jade egg in your hoo-ha."
"Seriously, Gwyneth, c'mon."
"Eat three rubies in a ruby smoothie and an elf will arrive to open your Sex Chakras."
"What the fuck, Gwyneth."
"Feed a stolen baby to a cunning wolf at midnight–"
"GWYNETH, NO." https://t.co/POfpvQpGmY
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) January 7, 2018
The bottom (heh) line is this: go to a medical professional for medical advice. Please don’t listen to Gwyneth Paltrow, because she is not a doctor, and she doesn’t even work with real doctors when she concocts these hair-brained ideas. And if you want to “cleanse your bowels” with coffee, for fuck’s sake, just drink it! It runs right through most people like an out-of-control train.
(Image: Facebook/Gwyneth Paltrow)