Work Life Balance

Gisele Is A Magical Mom Unicorn And The Rest Of Us Suck

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I’m convinced supermodel Gisele Bundchen isn’t real. I think she’s a hologram. I think she was created by a small little man with mommy issues, sitting behind a curtain in an OZ-like manner. He summons her anytime he senses a mother is feeling a little too good about herself – and she appears.

The robots that man the hologram’s Instagram account produced this yesterday:

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This is so perfect. I saw this this morning when I was breastfeeding my infant. My toddler was running around screaming like a bat out of hell, and my infant was kicking me in the face while she was feeding. Also, I forgot to put a breast pad in my nursing bra, so the side of my shirt she wasn’t feeding near was drenched in breast milk.

I slip into a semi-existential crisis when things like this happen. Why am I drenched in breast milk and getting kicked in the face by my infant, while Gisele’s infant angelically suckles from her breast while she’s getting a manicure and her hair and makeup done? Clearly I know the answer to that question; she is a gorgeous billionaire supermodel and I am a five-foot-three freelancer who works from home. My infant is kicking me in the face because she’s pissed we don’t live in a loft and my son is screaming because he wants better genes.

I went down the rabbit hole that is “Gisele’s” account. Won’t you join me?

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Her toddler does yoga in what looks to be an immaculate living room. Mine is breaking crayons into a million pieces that I’ll be vacuuming for the fourth time today, shortly.

Screen Shot 2013-12-11 at 11.10.12 AMI’m guessing scenes like this happen pretty regularly in her life. I’ve never actually seen one of those yoga gongs in person – and I’ve never made a heart with my hands. Doing it now.

Maybe Gisele is a real person. I’m not totally convinced.