‘Girlie Glue’ Lets You Just Glue Gender Markers Straight to Your Baby’s Bald Head
Did you register for $10,000 worth of baby headbands for your baby shower, only to find that your infant keeps ripping them off her head? Do not fear, because there is a product out there that can save you from the dire fate of walking around with a small human being whose sex is not immediately known to every passerby: Girlie Glue, the glue that lets you stick stuff right to your baby’s head.
To answer the obvious question: This is real. This is not a joke. Girlie Glue is an actual product that parents can use to glue tiny bows, flowers, and other decorations to their baby daughters’ heads. It costs $9 on Amazon, and it is real. Really. Hand to God, I’ve checked this, it’s not a joke. It’s real. (I’m going to keep repeating that it is real until I believe it.)
According to the Girlie Glue website, “It’s never too early to be girlie,” and Girlie Glue is a nontoxic glue made with agave nectar and other natural products and is designed to be used to stick tiny bows and flowers onto the bald heads of baby girls. At least one Amazon reviewer has also been using it to stick bows to the heads of cats, which is pretty cute, even if this cat is one pink bow away from becoming a murder kitten.
Apparently there really is a market for a nontoxic glue with which to stick small objects to babies’ heads, in large part to prevent people from thinking a baby girl is a baby boy. People always thought my daughter was a boy, but it never occurred to me to glue stuff to her head. Honestly, it never occurred to me to do anything about it at all, but that’s probably why I am not a baby glue entrepreneur.
Girlie Glue is not the worst product ever invented. It’s not even the worst feminine body glue product we’ve seen in the past month. But paranoid parents will probably experience some anxiety about whether or not thumbnail-sized hair bows and felt flowers count as choking hazards, and whether or not it is safe to glue them to an infant’s head. Any determined child over the age of six months is going to be able to pry off any hair bow, no matter how much glue you put on it.
Girlie Glue does seem to be pretty popular, though. Who knew there was such a market for gluing things to babies’ heads? They have a Facebook page full of photos of baby girls with bows and flowers and random tchotchkes glued to their heads, and scrolling through the gallery is one of the best ways to kill a few minutes projecting your adult thoughts onto tiny babies, because every one of those little dolls is making a face that seems to me to say, “Really? REALLY? Really?”
They’re all really cute—maybe the bows really do make things cuter!–but I can’t stop laughing because every baby seems to be looking around as if in search of a sane person to ask, “Is mom gluing things to my head? Is this really a thing we’re doing today? Can someone with the capacity for speech please intervene before I develop object permanence?”
Would you ever use glue to stick bows on your kid’s head?