Unbearable: ”˜I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ Is Torture To Me

Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

The very first post I wrote for the “Unbearable” column addressed phantom butterflies in my stomach. It was this odd sensation of feeling pregnant, feeling a baby kick. I’m a mother. I know what pregnancy feels like. You would think that I would be able to tell whether or not I’m having a little one anytime soon. Yet every time I turn around, I see a sign of pregnancy lulling me into a false sense of optimism. Until, of course, I take a box of pregnancy tests without a single glimmer of that second line.

So you have to understand, for a woman who constantly thinks that I might be pregnant, watching women who have absolutely no idea about it is horrible. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is actually more than horrible, it’s downright torturous. I see pregnancy everywhere and these women have no idea what’s going on at all? It doesn’t make any logical sense.

This program has always been a bit of a circus sideshow. We’re all in awe of rather unbelievable occurrence. And really, most of us are laughing at it. Have you seen Kathy Griffin’s bit about I Didn’t Know I Was Pregant? It’s pretty ruthless.

But I have a hard time laughing at these women and their cluelessness. So little about pregnancy is funny to me anymore.

Even worse than not being humorous, this show gives me just another sense of false hope. In a connection that I’m sure isn’t fully logical, I look at these women who have no idea that they’re carrying a child and think, “Maybe I am pregnant and just have no idea!”

I realize that this sounds insane and maybe it is, but let me explain. These women are pregnant without any of the traditional signs of pregnancy. Without the huge, bulging belly or the crazy heartburn. They think their kicks are indigestion and their exhaustion is due to lack of exercise. There’s a level of impossibility to these pregnancies.

So maybe, just maybe, all convention could be thrown out the window. Maybe I don’t produce enough of the right hormone that a pregnancy test is looking for. Maybe I’m one of those people who just gains a little weight but doesn’t get a huge belly. Maybe I’m not seeing all the signs because they are parading around as stress-induced.

I know it’s not likely. It’s not probable. And if I’m being really honest, it’s not true. That’s not what’s happening. I’m simply not getting pregnant. But that glimmer of an almost-impossible hope is hard to ignore when having a baby is all I can think about. I can’t watch I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, but I also can’t stop knowing that those women are out there, defying logic. And I can’t stop wishing that I could be one of them.