mom fun

What Your Toddler’s Extracurricular Activities Say About You

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5. Hockey.

This child is at least #4 in birth order, so all your nervous mom worries are long gone. You went with hockey because the hours are long, so you get a break, and you figure at least this will teach them how to defend themselves against attacks from their older siblings. Or, you live in Canada, where I imagine children must be able to score a goal and skate three laps before graduating kindergarten.

6. Gymnastics and cheerleading.

You were a wallflower in high school who never got up the courage to ask the star basketball player to the Sadie Hawkins dance, even though your Facebook stalking tells you that you’re way prettier than the woman he ended up with. You’re determined to have your daughter be popular, and have already started to lay the groundwork with your husband for getting her a nose job when she turns 13 if she wants.

7. Spanish, French or Mandarin Chinese lessons.

Never mind the fact that you can’t even understand half the English words your child mumbles, or that you yourself aren’t bilingual. You are determined to get a viral video and your 15 minutes on Ellen, and you think having a genius baby is your best shot.

8. Swimming lessons.

Either you are obsessed with child safety and want to make sure your child would survive a tumble into the pool without water wings, or you love to be that mom who brags about their kid being more advanced than others. You can’t wait for the look on Shayna’s faces when her kid has to stay in the shallow, pee- filled part of the pool this summer while your little Nemo is doing the breaststroke.

9. Piano lessons.

Toddler gym classes are germ-filled cesspools for the uncivilized masses. Your child will learn to play an instrument because reading music is an actual accomplishment, unlike those flimsy participation trophies they give to all the soccer brats. You know this will lead her on the right track to an Ivy League school and a husband befitting of her status.

(image:  Alliance/

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