Anonymous Mom: I’m Attempting A Polyamorous Marriage
Anonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.
I’ve had an inkling for years that I’m not monogamous. Despite having had a few long-term monogamous relationships, I always felt a sense of disappointment that I wasnâ€™t â€œallowedâ€ to get close to anyone but my significant other. I got married a few years ago, and somehow I thought marriage would put out this flame inside of me and allow me to follow the life script Iâ€™d accepted since childhood — marriage to one man, house, babies.
Last year when I read Jenny Blockâ€™s book on open marriage, I had my first conversation with my husband about the idea. It didnâ€™t go well. We were on a road trip, riding at night while my son (just a few months old then) slept soundly in the back. We fought — my husband thought I wasnâ€™t attracted to him anymore, and he didnâ€™t see how my idea of having sexual relationships with other people could possibly make things better for us. Over time, we had similar discussions, but they were more rational, less emotional. Finally we came to the extremely difficult decision to give it a try.
The decision was triggered in part by a burgeoning friendship with Cal. Iâ€™d known Cal for quite awhile, and despite worlds of flirtation and sexual tension between us over the years, we didnâ€™t admit our mutual attraction until recently. A huge caveat: Cal is uncomfortable around children, and my nearly Â 2-year-old son is a very big part of my life.
My husband gave us the â€œgo aheadâ€ to pursue our relationship, but itâ€™s at a great cost to the balance in my life. I can only spend time with Cal in public or at his house (a rule my husband suggested, because heâ€™s not really ready to integrate Cal into our family life). I work throughout the week and my husband works weekends, meaning it was difficult already to find time for date nights with him. So now that Cal is in the picture my husband occasionally feels neglected.
There are many things weâ€™ve done right so far: getting tested for STIs, communicating and learning to trust, and attempting to get to the heart of any negative emotions anyone is having.
Iâ€™m not worried for a second about my son growing up with a polyamorous mom. I donâ€™t fear itâ€™s going to confuse him or estrange him from his peers. All he has to know is that I love both Daddy and Cal for unique reasons. Iâ€™m not going to share with my child details of my sex life any more than I would have if Iâ€™d remained monogamous. I donâ€™t know a thing about my monogamous parentsâ€™ sex life, except that they love each other deeply. Thatâ€™s all my son needs to know about me and my relationships.