STFU Parents: The Future Of Baby Names

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Back in July, I wrote about the Crazy Baby Names people give their children. Today’s parents are all about naming their children “uniquely” so that their kids have a better chance of being ‘noticed’ as they go through life. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll be taken more seriously, but certainly they’ll be given more attention, if only because their classmates and teachers will be repeatedly mispronouncing and misspelling their names for years to come. It’s actually a bit ironic that so much of what’s reported about parenting right now revolves around children’s names as well as their digital identities, because while I think it makes sense to purchase eponymous domain names for babies, I often wonder who will be able to remember how to spell them.

To make matters even more complicated, many parents have reported feeling “name remorse,” leading them to legally change their children’s names. I can understand the remorse if parents want to change their child’s name from “Khenzie” to “Sarah,” but most of the time in the articles I’ve read the parents are quoted as saying, “She just wasn’t a Khenzie. She’s a Maddilhyn, and that’s that!” [Insert long sigh here.]

Now, with the end of 2011 approaching, everywhere I turn there’s a new baby name list. Most Popular Baby Names Of 2011. Least Popular Baby Names Of 2011. Top Baby Names You’ve Never Heard Of 2011. (OK, I made that last one up.) So in honor of our name-obsessed culture, and all the poor kids out there who will likely go through life asking, “Mommy, why does my name sound like the state capital of North Dakota but look completely different?” I wanted to build on the Crazy Baby Names column with some new submissions. I’ll not only offer up some wacky new names, but will highlight a couple of other trends in baby naming, as well. Let’s get started!

1. The All-In-One
STFU Parents

This baby is the epitome of everything one should expect from baby names today. That extra ‘y’ is just begging me to ask the question, “No really. Why?

2. Baby Name or Television Network?
STFU Parents

I actually understand why some people name their children names like “Eva” but prefer a pronunciation of “Ava” to “Eeeva.” To me, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense, however, is taking a name/word/town like “Aspen,” substituting an “E” for an “A” and then cutting out the other vowel. This poor child is already carrying around the weight of a giant fake flower on her head, and now she’s got to go through life correcting every person who confusingly calls her ESPN? Parenting fail.

3. Name Drama

The stupid. It hurts. I’m not even sure where to begin with this cluster of idiocy, but suffice it to say, I’m fairly certain that Harpers and Rylees have been roaming the world for longer than Buffy and Ashley’s kids have been alive. Also, Mason was the #3 most common boys name on BabyCenter’s poll this year, so good luck with that, Jolene.

4. Crowdsourcing

I mentioned crowdsourcing in the first baby name column, but that involved a mom-to-be asking her friends their opinions on a hodgepodge of names. This time around, the parents have gotten more tech savvy, utilizing a survey-hosting website and using Facebook to promote it. They even made a video of their baby receiving his name! Aren’t you dying to know what they went with? No? Me neither. This isn’t the Never Ending Story; this is real life. Can’t people come up with their own baby names? And since the answer to that question is obviously “yes,” isn’t this just a display of attention-seeking narcissism?

I do love a name game, but something tells me these parents weren’t totally committed to choosing the name their friends choose for their baby anyway. Every set of parents has a “favorite,” and I’m guessing these two were no different.

5. My Child Is God

Parents naming their kids after the one and only (or so we thought) Messiah Himself. What will they think of next??

Side note: How this kid’s life is going to be made any richer or easier by having the name “Messiah,” I do not know. Maybe Misty just wanted to ensure that her eldest would be an overachiever? You tell me in the comments!