Scary Mommy: Taking Back Halloween
The last few years, Iâ€™ve noticed a disturbing trend: Curmudgeons are trying to take away our holidays. You may not have taken notice, though, as this group sets about their task in an insidious mannerâ€¦
It starts around this time of year, as these curmudgeons hate the Big Three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). They hate the joy that accompanies these holidays but, more importantly, they hate the gluttony.Â Youâ€™ll begin to read the articles: â€œSkinny Your Thanksgiving,â€ â€œ10 Tips To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays,â€ and Â â€œHealthful Halloween Treats.â€
Inevitably, weâ€™re bombarded with tips like â€œEat before you go to a partyâ€Â or â€œFill up on the veggie tray.â€Â Um, excuse me? The veggie tray at a holiday party is an insult to joy-makers everywhere. I donâ€™t care if you go on an 80-day cleanse right up until the holiday party. You show up to MY party, you show up hungryâ€¦or else.
I, for one, am standing up to these hate mongers. I picture myself like Mel Gibson inÂ BraveheartÂ â€“- blue warrior face-paint and all:Â â€œThey can take our lives. But theyâ€™ll never take our holidays!â€
Of course, I adore Kristen Howerton over at Rage Against the Minivan and I wholeheartedly agree with her post last year aboutÂ taking the holidays down a notch. If one more person asks me to craft a leprechaun trap on St. Patrickâ€™s Day, Iâ€™m going to go Alec Baldwin on their asses. And that ainâ€™t good.Â Iâ€™m talking the big three here, people. And Iâ€™m starting with Halloween.
Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People werenâ€™t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They werenâ€™t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit werenâ€™t crafting â€œboo-rifficâ€ goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Donâ€™t make me tell you where you can shove that.
No â€“Â back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. Thatâ€™s right â€“â€“ I saidÂ processed!
Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? Iâ€™mÂ kickinâ€™ it old school. Iâ€™m going to coach my kids on the ABCâ€™s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. Weâ€™re going to target the houses that give out the CostCo candy (thatâ€™s right, the whole effing candy bar!) and egg the houses that try to give us some sort of homemade shit or raisins. Raisins on Halloween will cause a Zombie apocalypse. True story.
Mommyâ€™s going to ensure they choose all her faves when given a choice (bitches gotta get paid, yo). Weâ€™ll eat plenty of it as we walk from house to house because thatâ€™s just good for energy. And then weâ€™ll get home, throw the loot on the ground, count it, and eat some more! Iâ€™ll be there for them during the inevitable sugar crash. And Iâ€™ll be there when they pass out on the bed after watchingÂ Hotel TransylvaniaÂ PAST THEIR BED TIME. We are rebels (again, picture Mel Gibson)!
Sure â€“Â the next day, weâ€™ll regain our sanity and our composure. Iâ€™ll dole out the candy within reason and give the rest to our doctorâ€™s office. Weâ€™ll eat clean. Weâ€™ll live by the rules. Weâ€™ll re-enter society.
But itâ€™s one day, people. One day! And weâ€™re going to treat this holiday like the little bitch that it is.
Are you with me?
About the author:Â Marnie is a freelance writer and mom to two nutty boys â€“ Finn, 5, and Declan, 3 (and 2 two chubby pugs named Fred and Olive). When not writing, she’s usually working out or cracking a bottle of Malbec. Screw moderation.Â You can find her irreverent mommy blog atÂ LoveButBlog, onÂ Twitter, and onÂ Facebook.Â