I Survived Buying My First Bikini After 3 Kids

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marilyn monroeLast week I did something I never thought I would do again. I went bikini shopping after having three kids (not all at once). This experience was as shittastic as you might imagine, fraught with self-doubt, some tears and a therapeutic trip to Annie’s Pretzels (and probably some more tears).

In the last year I’ve lost some weight. Okay, a ton of weight, mostly because I gained said weight due to a much needed medication that I’m now, thankfully, off of. But that weight loss felt pretty great anyway, and I realized not too long ago that I might be at the point where I could stop wearing a Lycra mumu and maybe, just MAYBE wear something a little more comfortable to the beach/pool/baby wading pool in my backyard. So off to the mall I went.

I’m not the biggest fan of shopping for anything. I prefer buying things online like a good, red-blooded ‘Murican, in my jammies and Fraggle Rock slippers. But that isn’t something you can really do with swimwear, especially if the type of swimwear I am shopping for is something I haven’t tried since Al Gore was running for president.

Here’s the thing about shopping at the mall. Florescent lights suck. They aren’t flattering to anyone. I could be Gisele Bundchen walking in there and I would look like a sack of potatoes.gisele11

A Lycra sack. Not fun. Then there are those three way mirrors that show of every angle of your body, in the most unfavorable way possible.The whole experience of clothes shopping can be humiliating, even when you’re shopping for something fun. Like shoes. But swimsuits are NOT shoes, in case that isn’t clear.

After braving the florescent lights, the evil mirror monster and the gazillion teenagers who seem to basically live at the mall, I started browsing. When did swimwear become so porno-tastic? Seriously, I’m not Jenna Jameson here, nor I don’t think it’s appropriate to wear a thong to the beach. Hell, even if I AM Jenna Jameson I don’t think that’s okay. No one wants to see my lady bits on a public beach. Well, I’m sure some people would. But not me. This is America. You keep you nudity to yourself (I’m looking at you Carlos Danger).

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