Lesbian After Marriage: I Found My Sexuality After I Had Kids

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“I think it was in large part psychological,” says Jessica when recalling why she stayed in the marriage despite her suspicions about her sexuality. “I wanted a family. I wanted to be a stay at home mom with the minivan and 2.5 kids. I convinced myself that I was happy.”

Baumgardner found while researching LAMs that this was not at all an uncommon trend in bisexual women. She cited Laura Eldridge, author of The No-Nonsense Guide To Menopause in explaining this shift in desire:

So in your coed days you’re free to fall for women if you have the inclination; as you get closer to the childbearing end date, that social freedom constricts. Eldridge thinks that many bisexual women start to focus on dating men “not because they were pretending same-sex desire before but because they are giving in to intense social expectations now.”

When Jessica finally did tell her husband that she was a lesbian, he didn’t believe her. She came out to her extended family and friends via Facebook in 2008, but feared taking her sexual orientation into court once divorce proceedings were underway. Worried that her husband would use her sexuality against her in a custody battle, she conceded to him out of court.

As for their relationship now, Jessica suggests that her ex-husband still has not accepted the fact that she is gay.

“He still jokes around and hints that if I wanted to have a sexual relationship with him it would be possible,” she says.  “I truly think I broke his heart and surprised him but I also think he is and was in complete denial if he is surprised.” [tagbox tag=”LGBTQ”]

Her sons, now nine and six years old respectively, believe that the marriage ultimately concluded because their parents didn’t get along. Jessica’s children know that she is romantically interested in women and she has broached the topic more tangentially with her older son with issues like marriage equality and the NOH8 campaign. But for the time being, she is in no hurry to connect her sexuality with the end of the marriage.

“I do not plan to talk to them about my sexuality being a part of the failure of the marriage unless they are older and ask questions. For now, it’s too much information for their age.”

The mother is currently not dating anyone. But when she does, she suspects it won’t be much of a problem for her sons. After asking her eldest what he would make of the scenario, he simply said “it would be strange at first but I don’t think it’s a big deal at all.”

(photo: Shutterstock)

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