I’m Never Getting a Brazilian Wax

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I know many women love a good waxing session, myself included. Do my brows, upper lip or bikini region any day of week. Feeling shiny and new in these areas makes me feel like I have my life together—it’s amazing what some hot wax and a stick can do for a woman. But there’s no way in H- E- double hockey sticks I’m going to lie on a table and let someone wax me bald by getting a Brazilian.

I just can’t get into having a slick and smooth pink canoe.

tymberlee hill wax GIF by HULU

Image: Giphy

While I know many women enjoy their Brazilian for the way it makes them feel and look, I will never be convinced to let my lower set of lips go naked. I don’t care if it’s all the rage! I don’t care if it enhances sex, or if my partner will go crazy. My orgasms are perfect just the way they are and I’m not going to do it. Besides, no one needs to see what’s under my fur coat.

And it’s not because I’ve heard getting a Brazilian hurts like a motherfucker either.

It’s especially not because I have to lift my legs up and let a total stranger watch me spread open my butt cheeks and feel my hair being yanked out by its roots. I had three kids in three years; I did it the all-natural way, so a little hot wax on my vertical smile and in my butt crack sounds like a dessert, even if all my fuzz comes out with it. Women who have given birth laugh in the face of pain. When you’ve been through a head crowning, or having your stomach and insides cut open, a little hair removal isn’t going to scare us.

While I think it might be nice to have a bald coin purse and chocolate starfish, I just have this thing about it.

I mean, we grow hair there for a reason. Some may point out the I’m a hypocrite because I shave my pits, but our arm pits do not have an opening to the inside of our body. Our vagina and asshole do and that hair makes me feel safe and warm.

haven GIF

Image: Giphy

But more importantly, since having three kids, I’m really thankful I have some type of coverage down there, a protection plan if you will. Pubic hair is like having a really good foundation—it hides all your flaws yet lets your true essence come through. Because let’s be honest, it’s not just your boobs and ass that drop of few inches after growing a human being, your cave of wonders gains some square footage, too.

And by that I mean your labia could house a stack of nesting dolls and some snacks.

loop dolls GIF

Image: Giphy

Besides, I’ve heard growing it out again can be so itchy that you are constantly getting caught with a back-scratcher down your pants.

And if that’s not enough, a friend of mine told me her ingrown hairs were so insane after she decided to stop going bare, she thought she had a scorching case of herpes. So, I’ll keep my carpet thank you very much and save the wax for things like candles and other body parts.

Besides, I can dabble in shaving things like lightning bolts and other fun objects in my muff since I have hair down there, and I’m not willing to give that up.

(Image: iStock / VladimirFLoyd)