How To Break Up With That Annoying Mom Friend On Facebook

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Dear [Insert Friend’s Name Here],

We’ve been [circle one: friends / relatives / coworkers / distant acquaintances] for [insert number here] years now. During that time, I’ve really enjoyed seeing all your [circle all that apply: cute photos of your pets / cute photos of your offspring / links to delicious and easy recipes / hilarious Internet memes]. And it’s mostly been nice to know someone else who’s a parent and going through the same things as I am! But … we have to talk.

We need to break up, at least on Facebook. It’s not you; it’s me. Or rather, my news feed, and the way it’s constantly littered with (check all that apply):

[  ] photographs of your child’s bodily fluids and/or waste;

[  ] your increasingly desperate attempts to enlist me in your current multi-level marketing scheme;

[  ] the anti-vaccination memes you post;

[  ] your water fluoridation conspiracy theories;

[  ] twice-daily reminders to vote for your child in a baby beauty contest or other advertising campaign;

[  ] your increasingly demanding posts about your child’s birthday registry.

It’s nothing personal, except insofar as I no longer want to be involved with you as a person. And it’s not just the things you post, either. There’s also (check all that apply):

[  ] the way you ‘liked’ my status about how my child had strep throat;

[  ] your mommyjacking of my post about the traffic downtown to discuss how many times your child has seen the Pixar movie Cars;

[  ] that time you commented on my sister’s status about how her cat had just died to let her know that she should cheer up ‘she won’t really know what it’s like to love something till she has kids of her own’;

[  ] the fact that no one in our circle of friends has been able to make a Facebook status mentioning something their children have done without you showing up in the comments to discuss how your own kids did the same thing earlier/better/funnier.

I hope there are no hard feelings. All I want is to (circle one: unfollow you / unfriend you on Facebook but still hang out in real life / not talk again, ever / hit my cell phone with a hammer until it forgets the pixels that used to make up your profile picture), and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

[Circle one: Sincerely / Cordially / Best wishes / Have a nice life, asshole],

[Insert Your Name Here]