{"id":65183,"date":"2012-12-03T11:01:54","date_gmt":"2012-12-03T16:01:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/?p=65183"},"modified":"2012-12-03T11:01:54","modified_gmt":"2012-12-03T16:01:54","slug":"career-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/career-baby\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Thinks I’m Selfish For Wanting A Post-Baby Career"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"

I used to work full-time from home as an internet content writer before I got pregnant. Then, during\u00a0pregnancy, I did a little less writing and a little more commissioned fine art\u201d\u201dI probably worked three\u00a0to five hours a day. It worked for me; it was true to my ambitions and talents. My husband worked as\u00a0a line cook. Although there were some things we would have changed if we could (mostly in the salary\u00a0department), we were happy. I even felt balanced, like none of my roles took center stage. I was an\u00a0artist, wife, friend and mother-to-be. I earned money for being creative, I went on dates, I hung out with\u00a0friends and I sewed curtains for baby\u2019s nursery. Balance.<\/p>\n

I am a Type-A Stress Junkie, and I also tend to have excess energy. This suited me well as a new mother because there was suddenly so much to do and adjust to. Laundry? Check. Take baby for a walk in the front\u00a0carrier? No problem. Nurse, read, play with, and venture across town with baby? Absolutely. But as I got\u00a0used to being a SAHM, these tasks suddenly became second-nature. And when things become second-nature, they tend to get boring.<\/p>\n

My husband got a promotion and suddenly had much more to learn and do at work. I watched with\u00a0an envious eye, meanwhile trying to brainstorm ways to fill my day (ways that didn\u2019t involve watching\u00a0sitcom reruns for three hours in the morning and watching talk shows all afternoon). What was\u00a0happening to me? I used to be someone who never had time to touch a TV remote. I used to scoff at my\u00a0husband\u2019s suggestion to play video games because I hated relaxation. Relaxation frustrates me. I want\u00a0to splash paint on canvases and alphabetize my bookshelf and clean the crown moulding, not relax!<\/p>\n

My husband’s personality is the exact opposite. If he could sit all day in a dark\u00a0room and play video games, he would. He didn\u2019t see his promotion as an exciting opportunity\u201d\u201dhe saw\u00a0it as a nerve-wracking increase in accountability. He\u2019s not a fan of taking work calls on his days off and\u00a0being his employees\u2019 favorite go-to guy. If it weren\u2019t for the pay, I have no doubt he\u2019d switch back to\u00a0being a line cook. I can\u2019t fathom wanting to climb down the ladder, but he\u2019d rather not live the American\u00a0Dream if it means becoming a workaholic.<\/p>\n

So when Shaun and I were arguing the other night (while I was in the process of nursing baby down\u00a0to sleep) and he said, \u201dI wish I had your problem. I wish I was good at too many things and didn\u2019t have\u00a0time for all of them,\u201d I was speechless.<\/p>\n

He proceeded to call me \u201dselfish\u201d for wanting more time to\u00a0work. He proclaimed that he had made so many sacrifices by working this stressful job, so why couldn\u2019t\u00a0I just make a sacrifice too? He also said it seems like \u201dno one wants to take care of the baby.\u201d No one?\u00a0Really? So what have I been doing for nearly a year, exactly? Locking baby in the bedroom and drinking\u00a0martinis?<\/p>\n

He stormed out, leaving me livid in the dark bedroom. My husband has always wanted either me or\u00a0him to stay home full-time with the baby. My parents and grandparents are even more intense about\u00a0it, believing that a child will be colossally screwed up if she isn\u2019t raised by a stay-at-home mom (must be\u00a0the mom, not the dad, the Bible says so). I grew up with this belief, and so a little piece of me already\u00a0feels selfish for working the two (count them, two!) hours a week during which a babysitter comes over\u00a0to watch my daughter while I retreat to my home office. But my desire for success, a creative outlet and\u00a0money is starting to override my desire to be the perfect SAHM.<\/p>\n

When I was toying with the idea of getting a full-time job a few months ago, I asked my dad, who was\u00a0a very successful businessman, in an attempt to assuage my working parent guilt, \u201ddid you feel like you\u00a0missed out on a lot of my childhood because you worked full time?\u201d And get this: he didn\u2019t understand\u00a0the question. That\u2019s right. And why would he feel like he missed out, anyway? When a cultural role has\u00a0been prescribed to you and you fulfill it, you don\u2019t have to feel like you let anyone down. He got to be a\u00a0successful businessman and father. My mom only got to be a mother. It\u2019s a no-brainer which one is the\u00a0more balanced role, and in my opinion, the more desirable.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to really look at this objectively, though. It\u2019s easy to say I\u2019m just experiencing \u201dmom guilt<\/a>\u201d\u00a0and either talk shit about the people who criticize me or shut up about it and start self-medicating with\u00a0vodka. So let\u2019s try and put my circumstances into perspective.<\/p>\n

My husband works 50 hours a week at job he\u2019s not passionate about and comes home to a baby who he engages with for no more than 15 minutes before she starts screaming for me.\u00a0I, on the other hand, have a baby who adores me in addition to more hobbies and passions than I have time for.\u00a0My complaint is that I need to fulfill these dreams; my husband’s complaint is that he doesn’t even have\u00a0dreams. I’m not certain which is worse exactly.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, he makes the money. If we divorced tomorrow, he would have a career. I would have a long\u00a0employment gap and a stack of unsold paintings. But isn\u2019t a partnership about give and take? He does\u00a0a little more of this, I do a little more of that? He may be the breadwinner now, but there was a three-month period early in our marriage when I carried us both financially. Who\u2019s to say I won\u2019t be earning\u00a0the bulk of our income in 10 years (aside from all those pesky statistics about women\u2019s salaries<\/a>)?<\/p>\n

Where my current situation is concerned, working just two hours a week, no, I am the\u00a0farthest thing from selfish. I give myself, mind, body and spirit to my daughter every day. I invite my\u00a0husband and everyone close to me to unload their feelings on me. And when the cashier at the grocery\u00a0store asks me if I want to donate a dollar to so-and-so foundation, I say yes, dammit, because I care\u00a0about other people!<\/p>\n

Conversely, I have wanted it all\u201d\u201dthe house, the career, the\u00a0prestige, the money, the legacy\u201d\u201dfor a long time. My husband has never given a shit about the Joneses,\u00a0and he probably never will.<\/p>\n

So next time I hear someone say that patronizing \u201dmothers have the most important job in the world<\/a>\u201d\u00a0crap, I\u2019m inclined to say, yes, it may be the most important job in the world to Mary down the street.\u00a0Mary may have found her calling in her role as a mother. But for Amanda, \u201dmother\u201d isn\u2019t a job. Mother\u00a0is part of my identity. My paying career, the public impact I make through my writing and art, is my job.\u00a0And if hiring a caregiver for my child after being a SAHM for one year so that I can work is selfish, then I guess\u00a0I am. And I guess I don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

(photo: Mastering_Microstock<\/a>\/ Shutterstock<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After watching my daughter grow through her first year of life, I thought it was normal and healthy to\u00a0want…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21282,"featured_media":66084,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[29,7353,35101,16,3738,61],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":5,"label":"Work Life Balance"}],"post_tag":[{"value":29,"label":"childrearing"},{"value":7353,"label":"gallery"},{"value":35101,"label":"having a baby"},{"value":16,"label":"parenting"},{"value":3738,"label":"SAHM"},{"value":61,"label":"work life balance"}]},"featured_image_src_large":["https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/12\/shutterstock_105824441.jpg",500,334,false],"author_info":{"display_name":"Amanda Low","author_link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/author\/503b7bb655122\/"},"comment_info":0,"category_info":[{"term_id":5,"name":"Work Life Balance","slug":"work-life-balance","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":5,"taxonomy":"category","description":"Find out how to have a healthy work and life balance. Get tips and advice on living a balanced life, job and career.\r\n","parent":0,"count":434,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":5,"category_count":434,"category_description":"Find out how to have a healthy work and life balance. Get tips and advice on living a balanced life, job and career.\r\n","cat_name":"Work Life Balance","category_nicename":"work-life-balance","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":[{"term_id":29,"name":"childrearing","slug":"childrearing-2","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":29,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":845,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":7353,"name":"gallery","slug":"gallery-2","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":7444,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":2500,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":35101,"name":"having a baby","slug":"having-a-baby","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":20,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":361,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":16,"name":"parenting","slug":"parenting","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":16,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":1332,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":3738,"name":"SAHM","slug":"sahm","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":3802,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":59,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":61,"name":"work life balance","slug":"work-life-balance-2","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":61,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":226,"filter":"raw"}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65183"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/21282"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=65183"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65183\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/66084"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=65183"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=65183"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=65183"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}