{"id":40364,"date":"2012-05-30T09:11:14","date_gmt":"2012-05-30T13:11:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/?p=40364"},"modified":"2012-05-30T09:15:03","modified_gmt":"2012-05-30T13:15:03","slug":"pulling-my-child-from-private-school-has-made-me-a-richer-and-poorer-person-357","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/pulling-my-child-from-private-school-has-made-me-a-richer-and-poorer-person-357\/","title":{"rendered":"Pulling My Child From Private School Has Made Me A Richer And<\/i> Poorer Person"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"private

This is my issue, of course. Although it feels like it\u2019s an issue for lots of other people, too<\/a>. I want to preface this post by saying that everything that follows falls under the umbrella of \u201dwhite people problems,\u201d as one (presumably rich-ish) private-school mom told me at a 5-year-old princess birthday party<\/a> recently, where the host had made from scratch a castle cake worthy of Walt Disney<\/strong> himself.<\/p>\n

Our daughter has attended preschool for the last two years at a private, reputable school that continues through middle school. The tuition for the first year ($14,000) seemed expensive, but sort of manageable when both my partner and I had full-time paychecks. The second year\u2019s tuition was already half paid (and all committed to) when I lost my job at a major corporation. I transitioned into contract work and cobbled together a pretty good living for the first year.<\/p>\n

The second year of contract work hasn\u2019t been quite as fruitful. And while we were on the fence about continuing with private school for our daughter, who will enter kindergarten this September, we always had entertained the hope that she\u2019d switch to public school eventually. Meanwhile, we also have a son who will be 3 this summer, and who we\u2019d hoped would go to preschool for 3s, presumably the same school his sister attends.<\/p>\n

When it came time to pay the deposit, nearly $5,000, to reserve my daughter\u2019s place in kindergarten for the fall, I had had a particularly dry couple of months financially, and it felt less and less realistic to be able to pay the $29,000 tuition for her for kindergarten. We applied for financial aid, and based on last year\u2019s (good year!) tax returns, were denied. My partner felt very strongly that we couldn\u2019t afford the tuition on the income so far this year, and felt partial to public school anyway. I think most people in our situation \u00a0choosing between this private school and public school alternatives for their 4- to 5-year-olds \u00a0opted to pay the five grand as insurance, and then roll the dice to see what cheaper options might be attractive.<\/p>\n

The deposit was more money than I had made so far that year, and it just felt like bad life management to pay out, as a maybe, more than I had brought in. Largely on principle, and partly on realistic parameters of our finances, we didn\u2019t pay the deposit.<\/p>\n

The school inquired about our daughter\u2019s status, and we reported the truth. The school administration was very understanding, but in no uncertain terms told us that our son would not receive sibling preference for admission, because our daughter was not considered enrolled for the next school year. Even though I understood the school\u2019s position in maintaining the growth of the school and pursuing families who can support the school financially, it felt like a fuck you; it became clear that community is secondary to income, which of course, I was naive not to assume from the get-go but it somehow feels counter to what you want in a preschool-oriented educational institution , especially after being active members of the community for two years.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m walking away from the school feeling, while my daughter has had a wonderful early-childhood educational experience, that the politics behind admissions trump the positive, warm-and-fuzzy feelings I have about her specific classroom. And that feels sad to me. We pursued other options for our son.<\/p>\n

We have a couple of suitable options for our daughter, too, for school, but as the school year comes closer to the end, other parents whom we\u2019ve befriended (or at least acquaintanced) are starting to ask if she\u2019s is returning to school next year (and if our boy is attending next year). The ones whom I actually consider friends, I tell the truth, and it feels fine to be honest. The ones who are acquaintances, it\u2019s a little more awkward. Usually the questions are asked in the school halls, before drop-off or during pickup, usually with my daughter standing right next to me. It feels strange to tell people I don\u2019t know well, but whom I\u2019ve seen regularly over the past two years, and been to their houses for birthday parties, that she isn\u2019t returning because we can\u2019t afford it.<\/p>\n

I know we\u2019re not the only ones in this position, but it brings to light subtle socioeconomic differences that no one really wants to discuss. I remember a New Yorker<\/em> piece from years ago saying that sex isn\u2019t taboo to talk about any more, only money is (i.e.,\u00a0 you don\u2019t tell people how much you earn, how much savings you have, if your parents do or do not have money that you may inherit some day, if you really can or cannot afford $30,000 a year per child for private preschool). And I know I don\u2019t know the details behind anyone else\u2019s finances, either, and I don\u2019t want to be a hater just because there are lots of people who are choosing private school, and we aren\u2019t. (Although am I allowed to be a hater because I never was interested in going into finance?)<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help but look around at the parents whom I know do have returning children, and many, a second child returning, and feel resentful of them for presumably having greater means than we do. I\u2019ve had plenty of friends and colleagues who were much wealthier than I\u2019ll ever be, but I\u2019ve never quite experienced class strata in New York City on a personal level like this. And I\u2019m not saying cry me a river \u00a0we\u2019re by no means a needy family but aren\u2019t I still allowed to feel a little addled by how socioeconomic differences for me have come to the surface of idle chit-chat?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve kept the conversations brief for the most part, because, well, it\u2019s not that I feel ashamed, but on some level it does feel defeating to not be able to let my daughter continue the early education she has begun. It has made me bitter about private school, finally really understanding that it is for the rich (and a few very lucky poor), and has made me ashamed that I didn\u2019t want to work harder, earlier, to make public education in New York better.<\/p>\n

It has also made me hate the finance\/corporate law types that surround me in the halls at drop-off. And believe me, I understand that those (for the most part) guys work about 100 times harder than I do. And I still feel bitter. And I know I have to move on psychologically, and put just as much energy into the next school we become a part of, and make it a wonderful experience for our child and our whole family.<\/p>\n

In talking to another mom in a similar situation to ours, and asking her what she replies when asked in the school halls if her child is returning, she told me she says, \u201dNo, believe me, if we could afford it, we\u2019d be right back here next year.\u201d I thought that was tactful and honest and also distancing from the question-asker, as if to diplomatically say, let\u2019s not continue this conversation. But I\u2019m still bitter, and as I walk off after drop-off every morning, after every innocent mom questions our return status, I think about all the things I really want to say. Like:<\/p>\n

\n
    \n
  1. \u201dI spent some time down at Occupy Wall Street during my unemployed months this winter, and I no longer feel comfortable pretending to be part of the 1%.\u201d<\/li>\n
  2. \u201dWe\u2019ve decided that traveling to Europe, all four of us, at least once a year, and buying more designer clothes, will lead to more career opportunities for me \u00a0which I really need right now \u00a0than will private-school tuition.\u201d<\/li>\n
  3. \u201dMy son didn\u2019t get accepted and I\u2019m too bitter about it to continue to wander the halls here every day.\u201d<\/li>\n
  4. \u201dI\u2019m tired of pretending I care about fakey rich-people parenting concerns when I could be burning another 50 calories on the elliptical trainer in that time.\u201d<\/li>\n
  5. \u201dI\u2019ve decided public education needs us more.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/blockquote>\n

    But instead, I\u2019ll continue to be diplomatic, and go with my friend\u2019s answer, because I know no one intends to be hurtful with their questions. And I don\u2019t need to make any enemies I might have to run into to at the gym.<\/p>\n

    (Photo: Sam72\/Shutterstock<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    In the past couple of months, I have become a bitter rich person. Not Mitt Romney or Mark Zuckerberg…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21002,"featured_media":193905,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[600,4303,7353,35131],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":3,"label":"Childrearing"}],"post_tag":[{"value":600,"label":"education"},{"value":4303,"label":"finances"},{"value":7353,"label":"gallery"},{"value":35131,"label":"school"}]},"featured_image_src_large":["https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/nopic.jpg",500,500,false],"author_info":{"display_name":"Liz Wallace","author_link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/author\/4e4c5bc66344c\/"},"comment_info":0,"category_info":[{"term_id":3,"name":"Childrearing","slug":"childrearing","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":3,"taxonomy":"category","description":"Get childrearing advice and read blog articles about how to raise your kids. Get advice for moms on how to be a good parent.\r\n","parent":0,"count":5343,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":3,"category_count":5343,"category_description":"Get childrearing advice and read blog articles about how to raise your kids. Get advice for moms on how to be a good parent.\r\n","cat_name":"Childrearing","category_nicename":"childrearing","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":[{"term_id":600,"name":"education","slug":"education","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":600,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":72,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":4303,"name":"finances","slug":"finances","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":4370,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":19,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":7353,"name":"gallery","slug":"gallery-2","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":7444,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":2500,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":35131,"name":"school","slug":"school","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":152,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":279,"filter":"raw"}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40364"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/21002"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=40364"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40364\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/193905"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=40364"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=40364"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=40364"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}