{"id":109869,"date":"2013-12-16T11:00:20","date_gmt":"2013-12-16T16:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/?p=109869"},"modified":"2013-12-16T12:02:21","modified_gmt":"2013-12-16T17:02:21","slug":"worst-presents-for-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/worst-presents-for-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Daddyish: The Parents\u2019 ‘Don\u2019t Be An Idiot’ Anti-Gift Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Instead, this list is about the worst gifts for kids. Not all kids, like I said, I can\u2019t speak to that. But the worst gifts to buy your own children. I don\u2019t give a shit what my neighbors give their kids. At least not until my son sees whatever cool new toy Rohan-across-the-street\u2019s parents bought him and starts waking me up in the middle of the night screaming for it. I swear to god, last week I found my kid at his little desk with a stack of papers with \u201dNo \u201d\u02dcJake and the Neverland Pirates\u2019 Hideout Toy Makes Me a Dull Boy\u201d scribbled all over them in crayon. He wrote \u201dNAP RETEP\u201d in red lipstick on the back of my bedroom door. It was fucking terrifying. When did Christmas become so cutthroat?<\/p>\n

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The kid is making Christmas annoying before he\u2019s even gotten the toys, and we all know pretty much every toy for kids under 15 is the most annoying thing on earth. So I made a list of stuff to avoid, if you\u2019re into avoiding brain aneurysms.<\/p>\n

12 Gifts You Should Avoid Giving Your Children<\/strong><\/p>\n

A New Sibling <\/strong> You\u2019re joking, right?<\/p>\n

A Pet<\/strong> Do you want a pet? Because after about six hours, when your kids pass out from the candy and the excitement and the chloroform (no judgment here), that pet will be yours. FOREVER. This is not a gift for your kids, it\u2019s a punishment for yourself. Don\u2019t be a sap.<\/p>\n

A Drum Kit <\/strong> We got one for our son last year and I\u2019ve never hated myself more. What was I thinking? It\u2019s like the number one rule of parenting: don\u2019t give your kids a drum kit. Or any musical instruments. In fact\u201d\u00a6<\/p>\n

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Anything That Makes Noise<\/strong> Giving your kid a talking Elmo or a talking Buzz or a train whistle or a fake computer or anything else that makes sounds is a recipe for a migraine. Do you like migraines? I DIDN\u2019T THINK SO.<\/p>\n

A Smartphone <\/strong> If your kid is under 10 and they own a smartphone? Congratulations, you win the Asshole Parent award. I\u2019m an adult and my wife doesn\u2019t even trust me with my iPhone, you think we\u2019re gonna trust a tween or a twerp or whatever the marketing lingo is for tiny idiots these days? I\u2019m dumb but I\u2019m not that dumb. I\u2019m getting my son a calculator watch.<\/p>\n

Plastic Guns <\/strong> Thankfully this isn\u2019t an option, because Congress recently extended the ban on plastic guns. So you\u2019re protected from your own stupidity. Thank you, government!<\/p>\n

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Real Guns <\/strong> I take that back. You can still get as many real guns for your kids as you want. How absurd. Some of these things are so elaborate you can hardly even call them guns. You might as well sit your kid behind a tank. Jesus Christ this country sucks.<\/p>\n

A Football <\/strong> I love football as much as the next red-blooded American (Go Dolphins!). But I love my son\u2019s ability to stay healthy and live past the age of 50 just a little bit more, so I think it\u2019s time to ease up on glorifying the playing of the sport. I\u2019ll probably still watch games with him I mean, I grew up watching \u201dCHiPs\u201d and I never thought being a motorcycle cop was anything less than stupid, so I think it\u2019s okay for him to be a spectator but I\u2019m not going to give him any more of the accessories that go with playing it.<\/p>\n

Stuff That You Need to Inflate <\/strong> For his birthday we got our son an inflatable tee-ball tee and now I\u2019m on the list for a lung transplant. You\u2019ve been warned.<\/p>\n

A Computer <\/strong> maybe we should teach out kids some practical stuff for a change, like how to build a fire or swing a baseball bat. Get their faces outta the screens. (Actually, I don\u2019t have a big problem with my son learning how to use technology at an early age, I\u2019m just broke.)<\/p>\n

A DVD of Your Kid\u2019s Favorite Movie <\/strong> Feel like watching the same movie 8000 times until you want to tear Woody\u2019s limbs off yourself? Get your kid a book. And a reading tutor, so you don\u2019t have to read it to him.<\/p>\n

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Girl Stuff for Boys or Boy Stuff for Girls <\/strong> actually this is totally fine, whatever makes your kid happy (aside from the other stuff on this list, of course). Don\u2019t be a bigot.<\/p>\n

You can also find him at Dad and Buried.com<\/a>
\n(Image: getty images)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This isn\u2019t about dangerous toys. I honestly wouldn\u2019t even know where to begin such a list. When I was…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21350,"featured_media":110011,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[421],"tags":[158,4236,4325,35139],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":421,"label":"dads"}],"post_tag":[{"value":158,"label":"children's toys"},{"value":4236,"label":"Christmas"},{"value":4325,"label":"christmas presents"},{"value":35139,"label":"dads"}]},"featured_image_src_large":["https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/85902446.jpg",371,460,false],"author_info":{"display_name":"DadandBuried","author_link":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/author\/dadandburied\/"},"comment_info":0,"category_info":[{"term_id":421,"name":"dads","slug":"dads","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":954,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":3,"count":103,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":421,"category_count":103,"category_description":"","cat_name":"dads","category_nicename":"dads","category_parent":3}],"tag_info":[{"term_id":158,"name":"children's toys","slug":"childrens-toys","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":158,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":109,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":4236,"name":"Christmas","slug":"christmas","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":4301,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":244,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":4325,"name":"christmas presents","slug":"christmas-presents","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":4392,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":54,"filter":"raw"},{"term_id":35139,"name":"dads","slug":"dads","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":421,"taxonomy":"post_tag","description":"","parent":0,"count":108,"filter":"raw"}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/109869"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/21350"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=109869"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/109869\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/110011"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=109869"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=109869"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mommyish.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=109869"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}