For Once, I Don’t Want Any Of The ‘Worst Toys’ Of The Year

Every year I look at the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood’s list of worst toys – and every year I feel like a horrible person for wanting them all. Last year there was a Slurpee maker. Who doesn’t want that? Well, this year – I actually agree with all of their choices. What were these companies thinking when they made these crap toys?

Before you embark on your Black Friday hate-shopping, here are the toys that made the list. You can visit the CFCC’s website to place your vote for the TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young children) award for worst toy. You may have some trouble deciding, though.

Monopoly Empire by Hasbro

Price: $19.99
Recommended Age: 8+

With the Monopoly Empire game, you can own some of the biggest brands in the world! Every space on the board is an iconic brand, including Xbox, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s and Samsung! Splash your Monopoly cash to build your Empire tower as high as it can go. You’ll need to make tough decisions and smart moves to take down the competition and be the first to reach the top. Hit the big time and own the world’s top brands with the Monopoly Empire game!

Yes, we can probably all agree that Monopoly goes on too long – but this is ridiculous. Not only did the game replace all of the iconic property with “brands” young entrepreneurs can collect – like Xbox, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s and Samsung – you can now complete the game in 30 minutes. What the hell? Why should my children be spared the annoyance of playing a two hour game of Monopoly with their siblings who are definitely hiding money under their laps?

PLAY-DOH Create ABCs App by PlayDate Digital Inc.
Price: $1.99
Recommended Age: 4+

Build your own PLAY-DOH scenes with your PLAY-DOH creations. The PLAY-DOH gallery is just a click away on the ‘create and share’ button. There you can enjoy all the animated, colorful objects you make as you work your way through the letters of the alphabet. Select your favorite background and then bring PLAY-DOH scenes to life with custom PLAY-DOH pictures.

Play-Doh is a dirty, fun clay-like substance and that is the point. It will be stuck under your kid’s fingernails and she will make glorious snakes or little balls or whatever her right brain can imagine. Makers of the game claim your child can make ‘Squishable’ PLAY-DOH animations!  There’s nothing squishable about an Android. Why must we take the joy out of everything by making it digitally interactive?

VIP Upgrade Membership by The Real Tooth Fairies
Price: $58.90/year
Recommended Age: 5-10+

Since everyone knows the Tooth Fairy is boring and ugly, we can now pay $58.90 a year so our kid can use “sparkle dollars” to give the Tooth Fairy the makeover she so desperately needs. The upgraded version will allow her to stock her Tooth Fairy’s closet with 200 outfits – instead of the mere 25 she gets with a basic membership. I don’t know about you all, but I like my Tooth Fairy magical, invisible and wielding a dollar bill – not a shopping habit that I need to pay sixty bucks to enable.

Imaginext Mega Apatosaurus by Fisher Price
Price: $39.99
Recommended Age: 3-8 

An Apatosaurus that comes with armor and cannons? Why not? This one also comes with a figure that rides in the cockpit of the dino’s armor when it’s time for battle!

Press a button to make the Mega Apatosaurus walk and roar, complete with stomping sounds! After a few steps, it will automatically transform into battle mode—armor will pop open with transformation sound effects to make it even cooler! Once the armor is in place, two projectiles will automatically fire while the cannon spins! And, when kids turn the figure on the disk, spikes pop out of the defense armor!

I just had a panic attack. This sounds freaking horrible. God forbid our kids actually play make-believe at all anymore. Why rely on your toddler’s imagination and the deafening roar he can produce when you can have this machine/dino do it for him? Also – dinosaurs aren’t capable of destroying things on their own so we should definitely add some heavy artillery.

iPotty by CTA Digital
Price: $34.99
Recommended Age: 18 months+

Parents can give children a comfortable and fun place to learn to use the potty with the child-friendly iPotty from CTA Digital. This potty training seat features a special stand to securely hold the iPad and safely entertain kids while they play with apps. The adjustable stand can be rotated 360 degrees to switch between horizontal and vertical views and also includes a removable touchscreen cover to guard against messy accidents and smudges.

A “removable touchscreen cover to guard against messy accidents and smudges?” Gross. I don’t even have an iPad. My potty-training toddler definitely doesn’t get one to use on the potty.

This next one didn’t make the list, but it should have. It replaces the “gross factor” of the iPotty with a whole lot of “what?” The Fisher-Price Ipad Apptivity Seat is one of the worst pieces of baby gear ever conceived. There’s always next year!