Childrearing

The Worst Parenting Advice Our Readers Have Ever Gotten

By  | 

mom adviceYesterday I asked what the worst parenting advice you’ve ever gotten was, mostly because I have little else to do than pop some popcorn and cackle wildly over everyone’s misery. Thanks, suckers!

Actually, I knew that the responses to the question “who gave you the shittiest advice” would get a good response because a) our readers are hilarious and find ever more charming uses for the word fuckstick, and b) bad, unsolicited, and WTF advice when it comes to your body and your baby are pretty much the universal human condition.

And actually, beware. I noticed that I can’t really help myself now that my own child is older. I caught myself telling a pregnant friend that “the first three months are the worst; than it gets easier.”

I don’t know why I said it, but as it came flying out of my mouth I realized with a start that I was becoming one of those people. An advice-giver. So this was particularly timely. I may just have to print some of these out and carry it around to remind me of what not to say to the gestating and newly hatched:

1. Get rid of your pet.

get rid of dog cat get rid

 

Vicious dogs! Crotchety, bitey cats! Surly guinea pigs.

2. Quitting smoking will stress out your baby.

quitsmoking

Just use your belly to hold your ashtray!

3. Your baby really needs shoes.

need shoes

4. Your baby really needs a hat.

betterhatI’m actually convinced that making unsolicited comments about shoes and hats don’t have anything to do with the articles of clothing themselves. It’s just another way to say that you’re doing it wrong.

5. Try not to become extinct.

 

natural redhead

Ok, technically this isn’t advice but as a former daywalker, I resent this interaction. Redheads 4 Lyfe.

6. Sushi will lurk in your uterus for years, messing up any fetuses that might one day live in there.

sushi helen keller

A pile of them.

7. You don’t know you don’t like kids until you try them.

you won't like kidsSo get going before your uterus shrivels up.

8. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

sleep when sleepingIf we could retire this one forever it would be so great.

9. It’s never too late to breastfeed.

hot mess

Bonus points for the future mother who has money to crumple up and burn.

10. This hawt mess of passive-aggressive shenanigans.

passiveaggressivemuch

NO THANKS.

(Image: Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock)