Actually, I knew that the responses to the question “who gave you the shittiest advice” would get a good response because a) our readers are hilarious and find ever more charming uses for the word fuckstick, and b) bad, unsolicited, and WTF advice when it comes to your body and your baby are pretty much the universal human condition.
And actually, beware. I noticed that I can’t really help myself now that my own child is older. I caught myself telling a pregnant friend that “the first three months are the worst; than it gets easier.”
I don’t know why I said it, but as it came flying out of my mouth I realized with a start that I was becoming one of those people. An advice-giver. So this was particularly timely. I may just have to print some of these out and carry it around to remind me of what not to say to the gestating and newly hatched:
1. Get rid of your pet.
Vicious dogs! Crotchety, bitey cats! Surly guinea pigs.
2. Quitting smoking will stress out your baby.
Just use your belly to hold your ashtray!
3. Your baby really needs shoes.
4. Your baby really needs a hat.
5. Try not to become extinct.
Ok, technically this isn’t advice but as a former daywalker, I resent this interaction. Redheads 4 Lyfe.
6. Sushi will lurk in your uterus for years, messing up any fetuses that might one day live in there.
A pile of them.
7. You don’t know you don’t like kids until you try them.
8. Sleep when the baby sleeps.
9. It’s never too late to breastfeed.
Bonus points for the future mother who has money to crumple up and burn.
10. This hawt mess of passive-aggressive shenanigans.