It’s bittersweet, watching your children grow up before your very eyes-sometimes it’s downright depressing knowing that they will never be a chubby, cuddly toddler again. It’s enough to make your uterus hurt. You might even think about having another.
Hear me now. If you ever start to get really sad about your little one getting older, I want you to think about children’s television. It sucks eggs. If you need a quick pick me up, just know that you’ll never again have to pretend to like the “Hot Dog Dance” or hear the blood-freezing Pavlovian draw of DJ Lance‘s dumb footsteps again. These particular 12, though, are the worst kids shows there are.
Let me get real with you for a second. When I was little I loved the Franklin the Turtle books. But when I imagined Franklin in my head, he definitely wasn’t so whiny and annoying. Also, the adult turtles all look like they are wearing strapless sheath dresses. Also, as I started researching this list, it came to my attention that there is now a CG version. My condolences.
11. Lazy Town
There is a lesson to be learned from Lazy Town. And that lesson is to never, ever do drugs.
10. Dora The Explorer
Oh, Dora. For a while, Dora and I were cool. I didn’t mind her so much, and my kid seemed to dig it. But sometime around the 15,823,486th “I’m the MAAAAAAAP!!” something snapped in my brain. Also, WTF Swiper? This fox steals stuff and then just throws it? What a dick.
9. Yo Gabba Gabba
I still suspect that Yo Gabba Gabba is a prank. I often wonder if the creators just wanted to see if they could get hipsters to like something if it sucked bad enough. Brobee is whiny and horrifying, Muno looks like something you would buy at a True Romance party, and why does the ending always make me feel like I’m tripping balls? To be fair, though: Biz Markie.
8. Strawberry Shortcake
I can never decide if I hate 2003 2D animated Strawberry or 2009 3D animated Strawberry more. No matter, they’re both berry annoying and the dolls smell berry much like butt.
7. Sid The Science Kid
There’s so much to hate about Sid, that it’s difficult to no where to begin. Let’s see: Sid looks like play-doh, Sid tells dumb jokes, Sid’s teacher won’t stop singing, Sid’s bald friend might actually be a 40-year old man reliving his youth with all the air guitar he plays.
6. Imagination Movers
Imagination Movers filled the big gaping hole where The Wiggles used to be, for which we must never, ever forgive them. What do they even DO? How do they pay rent on the Idea Warehouse and buy Wobble Goggles when their entire goal in life seems to be annoying the shit out of the building’s only other tenant? Also, there is such a thing as Imagination Movers fanfic. You’re welcome.
5. The Fresh Beat Band
I’m convinced the entire Fresh Beat Band has been lobotomized, which is how they manage to stay so cloyingly saccharine sweet and frighteningly cheerful all the time, even after someone body-swapped that red headed girl.
4. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is basically a 23 minute long commercial for The Disney Store that ends with Toodles Ex Machina saving the day.
3. Little Einsteins
The Little Einsteins, with their Little Superiority Complexes, are my least favorite group of unsupervised children on TV. I don’t know what happened to Annie to make her voice sound that way, but I do know that if you are like me and are about as mature as a 13-year-old, there are lots of Red Rocket jokes, ripe for the pickin’
2. Max and Ruby
Max and Ruby is kind of dark, no? I mean, the grandmother makes appearances every once in awhile, but what happened to the parents? Maybe they are just absentee deadbeats, which explains why Max is such a little shit.
Even if you disagree with every item on this list, let us all at least be united in our unswerving hatred for Caillou, the whiniest little brat in the world. Everyone hates Caillou. They hate his bald head. They hate his horrible voice. They hate his dumb clothes. Secretly, everyone hopes that Gilbert goes all My Cat From Hell on him.